:: did God kno i was poor & sent me $? ::
omg.. i've having such terrible diarrhoea for e past 2 days & it's so painful even my arms & legs haf gone weak. the pain lasted for almost e entire night last night! i have a weak stomach & i get diarrhoea all e time but i nv had it this bad b4. it normally goes away after 2 days. & i nv had pains like this. beginning to suspect it's not diarrhoea but food poisoning. there's no puking tho. so i realli dunno wat it is.
since i am still on attachment now, i dunno wat r my medical benefits & how to go abt applying for sick leave. my colleague told me she doesn't kno how to apply for sick leave for me too. so i had no choice but to come to work today. my tummy is still churning & i'm almost dying from e pain...
i was thinking of gg to e doc's later so i checked my i-bank to see how much $$ i got left. i shan't announce my account balance here but i will say tt i suddenly had 200 bucks more in my acc! it was a quick cheque deposit which was certainly not done by me! i called posb to check & they were implying i shud jus go ahead & use e money. didn't offer much help. if i wanted to fish out e cheque & check e details, i had to pay 20 bucks for the service. why shud i pay for it, wat if after i check, e person takes bac her money? then i end up losing 20 bucks? i might as well keep e 200 bucks, rite? but.. wat if it's some online scam? i've heard of loansharks depositing money into bank accounts & once u use their money, they say u haf used their money & so will ask u to return with interest! so how??? it's free money to spend but.. issit realli free?? how bizarre!!
:: SERIOUSLY *sweet* ::
i like e way my bf is so shy abt serious stuff. like b4 we were tgt, he was so shy to ask for my number despite e many chances he had. in e end, his pal had to pass his number to me w/o him knowing, jus to give him a push. he was so shy to say tt he wanted to see me, he pretended to b "in the area" so tt he cud haf lunch with me. he was so shy to ask me THE question tt he clumsily & abruptly held me from behind & i almost died from a heart attack. keke..
last night, we talked abt our children's names. & he was so shy to talk abt ROM tt he went beating ard e bush abt his colleague's ROM. absolutely adorable, he is. (hey, tt is so yoda.. hahaha.. "Yoda, I am.." =P ) but e smile on his face & e way he spoke, i kno he was serious cuz it was exactly e same way he spoke when he told me tt he liked me.. (re-enactment: "i dunno wat to do.. i'm falling in love more & more with u..") aw... baby, i love u!!
had a tiny quarrel last night over wedding bands tho. ok. serious now. wedding bands r something very sacred & holy. tt's why they r blessed in churches. it signifies e unity of 2 persons, the whole & happiness of a marriage. therefore, i am one who will expect wedding bands to b worn 24/7, no excuses. However, my hubby-to-be thinks otherwise. apparently he doesn't think much of a wedding band cuz he said he had no intentions to wear them after marriage! so given my mentality, u can imagine e flare i got into. now y wudn't he wanna wear his wedding band? he's not proud tt he's married to me? he doesn't want ppl to kno he is married? WAT?! i got so angry, i totally ignored him. later he came to apologise & said tt if it means so much to me tt he wears his wedding band, then he will wear it cuz he loves me..." *melted*
baby, wat can i say. i am difficult, i am unreasonable & i am petty. but still, u love me. all my love is for u, darling! *muuaacckkksss!!!!*
:: karen & kelly ::
my sister & i haf a love-hate relationship. she hates e way i behave & handle matters, i hate the way she behaves & handle matters. We haf been fighting (verbally & physically) since the day we knew of each other's existance. we nv back each other up when someone elses picks on either of us. we are not the friendliest pair of sisters u kno, nor r we e most helpful to each other. we r only 2 yrs apart yet it feels like one was from the Tang Dynasty & one from King Arthur's time.
Ironically, when trouble brews within the family, my sis & i will get tgt automatically to solve e problem. When she is emotionally disturbed, she turns to me for advice, when she is choosing a career path, she calls me for comments. When i am in doubt of an impt decision, i look for my sister desperately to seek her opinion, when i am upset over relationship woes, i talk to my siser.
however, my sister is alwaes e one who gets me out of trouble, my life saviour. when i failed my O's, she was e only person who went ard gathering information for me as to where i can progress from there. When i graduated from ITE, she accompanied me to polys to get a place & even visited the MP with me. When i got chosen for a competition & was posted to TW, she paid for all e things i needed & gave me money to go.
other than tt, every other day we get on each other's nerves. isn't it weird? she was alwaes the one i knew i cud depend on, even tho we nv realli got along. when something major happens in her life, she alwaes made sure i knew.
In a way, i realli respect & look up to my sister cuz she got her life pretty much in her control. she's only 25. it is her positive & confident attitude tt gets her to plcs but also the same attitude tt lands her in bad books of ppl. her sense of responsibility has kept her out of trouble & thus, she has nv taken a fall in life.
i wonder if things wud b e same if we were frens & not sisters. wateva it is, my sister is an impt person in my life, even tho she is not e nicest & we take each other for granted. :P but.. i guess i love her all the same. :)
:: can a marriage function w/o a sense of security? ::
yday i had another thrash-it-out talk with my guy again. seems to b happening more now than b4. like b4, we cudn't reach a consensus. it ended with him walking away in a huff & i rem batting my eyelids at him b4 i turned to go too.
i kno it is very frustrating to b faced with self-created problems such as these. even as i am typing now, i am sick & tired of repeating e same things to him. but how can i not if it's bothering me? this concerns the rest of my life, it's abt my kids, my future husband & family. shud i realli b taking it lightly or wat most ppl like to say, compromise & close one eye? one thing abt me for sure, i am not one with a high level of tolerance. & i cannot tolerate imperfection in my relationship. i will not allow even a small speck of dust in my relationship. i will thrash it out with u anytime. guess i'm bitchier than most girls, then again, i am not MOST GIRLS.
so this time, i told him exactly wat bugs me. as a matter of fact, i didn't kno my reason for doing so. i jus wanted him to kno. cuz rather than getting married & headed for a divorce, we might as well talk abt it now rite? cuz i can oredi foresee this posing as a big problem in our "marriage". shud his mom & i haf disagreements. how he's gg to handle it is gg to be very crucial in the marriage. for example, if it is regarding my kids, there is no way i'm gg to compromise to his mother. come on, they're MY kids! & if my husband is not gg to lay a finger to help me on it, wat am i doing in the marriage, seriously? i jus feel tt things like tt mus b discussed b4 we realli decide to head for marriage.
i guess my concerns didn't appeal much to him. cuz instead of affirming his stand as a husband, he further affirmed his stand as a son. tt he wud still choose to stay out of it, not taking anyone's side. this is starting to freak me out cuz even something as easy as saying assuring stuff to me jus to keep my mind off it, he wud not do & still maintained tt his mom is impt to him. wat chance do i haf of having him over on my side when situations turn ugly? cuz u kno, no one can predict wat's gonna happen in future.
breaking up, i realised, is not exactly an option. cuz it's jus running away from the problem. & who knos i might b faced with the same problem if i go out with someone else. so, wat do i do? i jus hafta pray realli hard tt when we eventually do get married, his priorities will change & i can actually b happy in the relationship & haf a sense of security in the marriage.
:: Prescriptives Rules! ::
As most girls will kno, Prescriptives (Px) has pulled out of the Asian market completely w/ef from 1 July 2005. tt means there will no longer b Px products available!!!! tt is such terrible news for me as i am a huge fan of Px's Custom Blend Foundation. It is undoubtedly the best powder i haf ever applied onto my face! i'd rather die than go out w/o my Px powder.. after i knew of its closure in asia, i haf been trying all sorts of powder but none of them worked as well as Px (all e money i spent all went to waste).. As Px uses a custom blend to tailor e color according to ur exact shade, it looks almost like i didn't haf powder on my face! & i am missing my Px powder so much!!! e other powders either make me look like a ghost or tt i haf multi layers of make up on my face.. :(
So, in my desperation, i emailed Px to ask how i can get my hands on Px custom blend. In 2 days, i received 2 mails from them. 1st one tells me sorry but they are not able to help since they've oredi pulled out of Asia & there are no online sources available.. e 2nd mail, which i jus read half an hour ago, gave me a list of the shops that r carrying Px's products in neighbouring countries. I AM SIMPLY OVERJOYED! i haf a good fren/sista studying down under who will b able to get it for me! If not, i can get a fren in SQ to get it for me on her way there too!! OMG, I am over e moon. The list also provided me with tel no of the stores so i can call & have them send it to me by mail! This is so exciting. I haf decided to support Px till i'm old & grey!!! LONG LIVE Px!!!
For the benefit of all Px fans, i haf decided to share the list!
JAPAN Phone
Daimaru, Kobe 078-333-4004
Meitetsu, Nagoya 052-565-1863
Hankyu Umeda, Osaka 06-6312-0864
Isetan, Shinjuku, Tokyo 03-3354-9846
Odakyu Shinjuku, Tokyo 03-5323-4327
Seibu, Ikebukuro, Tokyo 03-5391-3048
Takashimaya, Yokohama 045-313-9370
Hankyu, Yurakucho 03-3569-2503
THAILAND Phone
Central Childom 662-255-6967
The Emporium 662-664-8262
UK Phone
Rackhams, Birmingham 0044-121-236-3333
Brown Thomas, Dublin 00353-16-776821
Frasers, Glasgow 0044-141-221-3880
Selfridges, London 0044-207-629-1234
Harrods, London 0044-207-730-1234
Kendals, Manchester 0044-161-832-3414
Australia-Mecca Owned Retail Stores
Shop RG12, Ground Floor, The Galeries Victoria, 500 George Street,
Sydney,
NSW, 2000
Shop 3050, Level 1, Westfield Shopping, Bondi Junction, NSW, 2022
Shop One, 166 Toorak Road, South Yarra, VIC, 3141
Chadstone Shopping Centre, Chadstone, VIC, 3148
Bayview Terrace, Claremont, WA, 6010
David Jones, Elizabeth Street, Sydney, NSW, 2000
David Jones, Bourke Street, Melbourne, VIC, 3000
:: grow up, woman ::
ok i think i'm damn bloody slow but i only jus figured out y e hell my freak colleague talks to herself... (pls read my post dated 1 September) she's trying to let me kno wat she's doing! (rem e phone call with leslie kwok according to freako??) tt she has major projects to do, unlike me, tt she's bz every second of e day, unlike me. "barbados stats file..", "create new mock up..", "david of DW design.." OMG pls, does she haf to mumble all these audibly?? wat does she think she's doing, acting in a drama serial where u haf to say out loud wat ur thots r thinking?? OMG.. she is unbelieveably childish & i think it's realli my bad luck to sit opp her & "listen" to her mumblings & e senseless personal phone conversations. i even stacked up files on my tray so her face is blocked from my view.
1st of all, leslie kwok is gay, why wud he b interested her. 2ndly, there's not a trace of "attractive" written on her. she uses bright red retro lipstick tt makes her lips look like chillies, she wears auntie printed flower shirts & unbuttons the 1st 3 buttons of the shirt, exposing her bra for all to see, she's got a jaw more jutted than a crescent tt makes her resemble an ugly witch ( i think she is). Need i con't?
did i mention she is 30 yrs old? 30 freaking yrs old. *bats eyelid*
:: this entry is a smear on my blog ::
have u ever met someone who talks on the phone deliberately in front of you to try to show tt she's very happening & popular & calls 4 frens back to back to show tt she has many frens & tt all will talk to her when she calls? these ppl r jus plain insecure & has got low self esteem. & i hate being the one targeted at. Is it becuz she's jealous of me? well, it's apparent.
1st call:
"hello, hi! r u teaching? o u r having a class now, no problem, get back to me later, bye.." <- this phone call to reaffirm her position as an ex lecturer from NTU. wonder why her NTU name card says "Researcher" instead of the usual "Lecturer"? her attempts to further convince us tt she was previously from NTU is realli doubtful. u kno, not everyone is as square brain as u. WE KNO.
2nd call:
"hey! was thinking, wud u like to go church with so-and-so & me this sat? ya, we were thinking of tt too. O yes.." & e conversation con't for abt 10 min. after she hung up, she made another call.
3rd call:
"Hello! Ya I kno, sorry i've been so bz at work!" <-Yet she cud find e time to chat during office hours? "i kno, there's 4000 ppl on the guest list! Ya i'm one of her brides maid, there's jus so much to do! Ritz carlton has to open so many tables jus for her wedding! isn't tt nice..." Once again e conversation went on for a good 15 min i think. Wonder y she's so excited abt someone else's wedding. maybe cuz at 30 she's still not married & being someone else's brides maid.
4th call:
"Hi Leslie, so how, when are u going for the SEA games?" <- come on, who on earth starts off a conversation like tt?? She might as well jus shout {Hey, I'm talking to Leslie Kwok!} really, i dun give a damn abt who her "famous frens" are. "Ya i haven't spoke to u for so long! When shall we meet? Wanna come to my plc & make some sphagetti tgt?"<- after she hung up, she declared tt leslie was her best fren, so i was wondering, if they were best frens, how come they "didn't spoke for so long"? & how come she didn't kno when he was gg for his SEA games? i dun mean to doubt, but coming from her, it is realli doubtful. the conversation goes on for abt 5 min then she says, "Oh, u kno e book i wrote with Thomas, I heard it is e best seller now! but it's so badly done, u shud take a look some time." <- if it was badly done, why bother asking ppl to take a look, realli haf got no sense & not a single intention to b humble. the conversation went on for another 10 min with her disgustingly loud witch-like laughs. no doubt, it annoyed me, but i kept a straight face.
i will NOT let her get to me. NO.
seriously, can this friday get better, pls?
:: such a slow friday ::
it's friday! i'm so happy tt i'm sad!! cuz i had e perfect friday inched in my head: i'll wake up feeling fresh, wake my bf up, we have breakfast tgt then send me to work.. at work i will have lotsa things to do, & b4 i kno it t, it's time to knock off & i will join my girls in town for retail therapy,, then chill at balaclava.. & then head home for my bf.. tt is my perfect friday.
i woke up this morning, cudn't find my hp so e alarm went on & on & irritated e hell out of me. i got up to bathe, after bathing i wanted to wake my bf when i realised, it was starting to drizzle. tt means i'll hafta get a cab to work since my bf's riding & wun b able to ride in e rain. tt will also mean we wun b having breakfast tgt. =( when i reached office, e whole morning i didn't haf much to do (which explains why i'm typing here) & time is passing impossibly slow!!!! i can't wait to knock off... i wanna shop, eat, drink & chill with my girls.. & i miss my bf oredi... =(
see wat i mean, if i pre-empt for something to happen, it better happen the way i planned it to. else i sink into this mild depression...
ok i shan't b down, after all, it's friday!! haf a nice weekend, all!!!!
:: 4 Bs! 4 amazing f*cking Bs! ::
i woke up this morning, with e same thot in my mind, "5 more min.." as i reached to set my alarm aka hp for another 5 min. i opened e flip of my hp, saw "1 new msg". Funny, who wud msg me so early in the morning? It's not even 7am! i went on to read e msg:
"Your exam results are: BM0169 C, BM0180 B, BM0185 B, BM0209 B, BM0275 C, BM0283 B, BM0284C+."
i wanted to jump right out of my bed & scream for joy!! 4 Bs!!!! ARRRR!!!! i haven't seen tt many Bs in a while!! well, i almost managed to jump out if not for my bf's leg which was on mine, so i cudn't. I wanted to shake him awake to share the news but.. it was only 6.45am!! so i lay there, trying to contain myself.. & after i managed to move his leg away (yes he sleeps like a log), i went to bathe, smiling.. =D 4 Bs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is a nice way to end my last sem of poly. It's beautiful in fact. my best results in all my 3 yrs of poly. (ok i kno it's not fab but it's gd enuff for me!) this feels like back when i was in ITE. i alwaes had good results, all the teachers knew me for my flair in communication skills & performing arts. it made me realize the joy of being a model student. pity i didn't strive earlier in life to b one. however, it's never too late, i guess!
OMG, 4 f*cking Bs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:: 2 March 2006 ::
like a foolish lil girl who is hopelessly in love, i counted the days to when my imaginary ROM will take place!!! *blush* i was jus reading an ex-classmate's blog a few days ago & she says, "have u ever met someone who's so eager to get married??" well, obviously she was refering to herself.. i wud gladly join her club of eager-to-get-marrieds! =P i used to think i wud nv feel this way abt marriage as it is termed the tomb of love.. but.. somehow there is something irresistable abt it. it's a legal unification of 2 persons, a confirmation of our undying love... arrr... bliss! most imptly, it means tt my bf is willing to give up all his freedom to marry me, & nv consider another girl to b his wife again! this reason alone is enuff to send me flying.. =D
so, i haf "set" THE date. i kno it sounds lame, like how i alwaes laugh at others when they queue for hours jus so they can get married on september 9 (9/9)! well, at least for me, the date i haf chosen is especially significant only to the both of us & not a few other hundreds of singaporeans out there. it will b on 2 March 2006 cuz tt will b the 999th day we've been tgt.. *aw...* & e first day we are tgt as husband & wife, wud b our 1000th day tgt!! OMG, this is such a great plan! i haf worked out the dates between application for marriage & the expiry date so tt we can clinch an opening to register on 2 March! ya i think i am a lil extreme cuz.. i haven't even told my bf yet! & i dun even kno if ROM is on his mind... hmm.. well.. at least i have until abt end of the year to test water.. o man.. it wud b such a pity if we missed the 999th day!!! i need to drop hints! i dunno how!! & i feel like i am in utter bliss!! pls advise!!
:: I have the Perfect Boyfriend! ::
i haf been feeling bad since i posted my entry yday.. i let my pettiness get e better of me.. i'm sorry for having made those comments.. i shud nv make judgements abt how ppl r brought up.. cuz u can't compare one family with another.. i apologise sincerely & i hope God will forgive me.. :(
why issit tt humans nv look at the good things but alwaes e bad ones...?? my bf is obviously very good to me but still i'm picking on him.. 9 out of 10 times he is nice to me yet i will concentrate on the 1 time. i realli can't stand my own narrow-mindedness sometimes.. & not forgetting my jealousy bouts.. :/ i swear, if i had control over them, i wud not let them get the better of me.. but.. i'm only human.. i can't control my emotions.. then how..?
i actually oredi found the solution to my problem.. tt is to find someone who will put up with me in e name of love. if he had $2 left, he'll probably give me $1.50 & use his 50 cents to buy me something jus to cheer me up. haha.. nar i'm kidding. we're not tt foolishly in love, but it's close to tt! =P
ok my bf deserves better than to b slandered by me in my blog. i am now officially reinstating his status as the perfect bf! complete with being filial to his parents (which means he will b a good husband & father), loyal to his friends (which means he will stay faithful to me) & kind-natured (which means he will not haf abusive tendencies, bad gambling/drinking habits). ok, all tt checked.. 100/100!!!! hee!!!
thank u for everything, i dunno wat wud bcome of me if i didn't haf u.. *muacks~!*
:: Human Life Buoys ::
the ppl u least expect will alwaes pop out at the weirdest time.. as u can tell from my previous entry, i was realli upset yday.. up till when i was on my way home, tears welled up a few times. when i was abt half an hour away from home, i got a call from a fren tt existed a long time ago, abt 2 years plus..? i mean we still saw each other in sch & all.. but talk?? long time ago man. So i was realli quite surprised tt she called. I even thot, "maybe she needs something from me" cuz it has realli been too long to "catch up".
So anywaes, i saw her missed call so i called her back. she sounded chirpy on e other side, it was nice to hear her voice again. so we talked (so she realli did wanted to catch up) for quite a bit.. abt an hour.. all e way till i got home & plunged into my bed to talk to her. unexpectedly, it was her tt realli made me feel better. i told her abt e woes of my relationship & she did too. & once again, someone made me see tt it is all e same. BOYS or MEN alike, they are all e same. I am definitely not alone. In fact, i'm not even e worst one yet. so.. ya, i am feeling a tad bit better today. but i kno tt feeling tt bugged me yday will come again.
i solve my problems by gg thru frens i trust & ppl i look up to. at times like these, wat they say is crucial. If someone tells me i shud break things off with him & substantiates with good reasons, i will most probably do so (99%). If e person i choose to talk to tt day tells me, "this is normal.. things will get better dun worry", chances are my mood will change for e better after tt & honestly believe things r gonna get better.. call me silly.. but this works for me. =)
Coincidentally i spoke to 2 Mels in 2 days. So, thanks a lot, mel t, u saved my life yday. & thank u to Mel N, for saving my life on Sunday so i cud sleep in peace!
*hugs all!*
:: i will make a terrible daughter-in-law. no doubt abt tt. ::
i'm not an extreme perfectionist, but i wun allow any flaws in my relationships. I'm a libran, i love beautiful things. i cannot stand looking at ppl begging in e streets, children being scolded, old folks eating alone in a hawker centre. It makes me upset. if i imagine things the way they are, then they better turn out exactly like it shud. else, i'll get realli realli upset..
basically, there's nothing wrong with my bf & i.. he loves me a lot, holds my hand when i'm sleeping by his side, talks to me in the most gentle tone despite having been tgt for more than 2 years, alwaes makes sure i have something to eat at the dinner table. in fact, wateva i ask from him, he will normally deliver. like i set e rule tt no girls are to take a ride from him on his bike. Not one girl has sat on his bike. i ask tt he tells me every morning when he reaches the office, he msgs me promptly every morning. i tell him to quit the habit of sleeping so late, he's been turning in earlier & earlier each night. On his own initiative, he checks my acc from time to time to c if i have money to spend. If i dun, he'll alwaes put money in for me. this is realli touching, i say. So u c, i haf, wat some might say, a perfect bf. yet i am still unhappy. why??
i shud say his mother did a good job in bringing him up. so much so that he's very filial to his mum & dotes on her more than anyone in the world. I kno u gonna think i'm gonna break out in my jealous bouts. But i honestly feel tt this is not jus a bout of plain jealousy. it is my future happiness at stake. i can understand how guys r attached to their mums. But shudn't there be a limit? when he went to china a few months ago, he called his mum when he touched down. me? nothing. his mum called to tell me he has touched down. the nex few days that followed saw no calls/smses from him at all. when he closes a deal, he calls his mum immediately to "update". me? i get a summary of events at the end of the day of wat happened today. when he is faced with trouble at work, he goes home & have long talks with his mum abt the problem. Me? he jus tells me he had a bad day at work. despite these, he insists tt his mother & me r equally impt to him. i dun c any equality here.
the thing tt bothers me the most.. is tt he is so dependent on his mother & for the simplest thing he wud yell "MOM!". it suddenly occurred to me yday.. how can i ever start a family with someone who yells "mom"?? imagine if we had our own home, & we had household stuff to fix, i can't imagine him calling up his mum to get advice. tt is totally irksome. i wanna run my own household & i dun need anyone else to run it for me. whenever i gave advice tt is different from his mum, he wud alwaes answer with, "i ask my mother." well, why dun u simply jus say, "i think my mum knos it better than u."
Many times i ask myself, why am with him? i feel no different from a vase. & i realli wonder wat he needs me for. jus somebody there to take e title of "girlfriend". man, tt IS sad.
& lastly, he has no plans abt our future, like when we shud get married, how much we shud save. & all these months of hard work, he claims it's for US. how? when there's no plan for US? we can't get a hse cuz his mum has't decided where she wants to stay. (cuz we hafta stay near her.) so when issit abt me??
am i being MCP (the female version) or petty here? i dunno. am i being overly-possessive? i dun c nothing wrong in asking for some security from the person i'm gonna marry. at least i wanna feel someone is on my side shud anything go wrong between me & his family. but no, he has insisted that he wud stay neutral no matter wat happens.. which means he wun take my side but i wun guarantee he wun take his mother's side. i read somewhere tt a successful marriage involve openly expressing to each other they are each's 1st priority, no matter wat. now i haf someone telling me i am of equal priority with his mother. does tt count..?
i am realli realli upset with this whole issue. like i said, my future happiness is at stake. i realli dun wanna risk "maybe after we get married, things will change". as much as i wanna b the nice, understanding wife who wun make things difficult for her husband, i can't. cuz it makes me too upset to kno i'm not his 1st priority when i have given my all in this relationship. what kind of assurance is there for me if i marry him?? i'm throwin myself into a shithole, aren't i??
this sucks. & it's a monday today, wat cud b worse, i wonder.
:: happy birthday to the one borned on 8 September 1979 ::
Yesterday was the birthday of one of my ex. I alwaes refer to him as the 1-week guy. I realli wanted to drop him a msg to say happy birthday.. but i didn't have his number. Deleted when I changed my phone. I wanted to send him a msg on friendster.. but he wasn't in my friendster list. altho i wud b able to locate him easliy thru frens, but somehow i didn't. i guess i still can't face him nor myself for having been so mean to him after we broke up. the guilt i haf towards him will alwaes b there & i suspect it will nv go away.
i actually saw him at z*uk 2 weeks ago when he was bac from Japan for vacation. my heart pounded like how it did when we 1st met at z*uk. i cudn't control myself stealing glances at him. however, i wished he didn't turn ard to see me there. he didn't. which is partly cuz i was trying to camouflage among the crowd. After i walked to another spot in the club, i didn't c him again.
A fren of mine msged me jus 2 days b4 i met him at z*uk tt he had been asking ard, looking for my number so we can "haf coffee & catch up". It was one of his fave things to do. But i still felt i'm not ready to see him. my heart is panging with guilt.. i might cry if i saw him & it wud b out of pity.. & i didn't want tt..
sometimes i realli miss e days when we hung out as frens. we had a natural chemistry, he alwaes managed to make me laugh & vice versa. he also courted me wildly, e kind tt only existed in romance novels. he'd look me up in the middle of the night, bring me to his fave spot in SG, tell me wat this means to him. he'd look me up at sch during my lunch jus to spend 15 min with me. he'd drive all the way from the east to my hse in AMK to take me to sch in NYP which is only blocks away. he'd rush his work out so tt he cud see me at night. he disobeyed his officer's orders & went up to stefanie sun during NDP to get a signature for me. best of all, he'd let me drive his less-than-a-week-old car, w/o a license! (this realli meant how much he loved me, rite guys!!!) well, he was realli the sweet guy i fell in love with.
but maybe it was only infatuation.. cuz once we got tgt, he started to get possessive.. & it realli started to turned me off. i cudn't get past an hour without him msging me. he saw me whenever he was available & gave me all his attention. funny, tt sounds like a perfect bf. so wat went wrong?? after 2 years, i realised why. i was too young, not ready to commit, not ready to b loved like how 2 persons planning to get married loved. most of all, i didn't understand love. i thot love was jus a feeling.. the one tt makes u dizzy, makes u happy & full of surprises. but i didn't kno the other side of love which is commitment, compromising, understanding & forgiving. & so.. i broke up with him. i broke e heart tt he placed into my hands.. i hafta admit at tt point, i didn't feel anything for him at all.. i jus wanted him out of my life so i cud get my life bac. despite his many efforts to try to make me see & salvage the relationship, i refused to give it a chance & trampled on his heart over & over again.. i changed my number so he cudn't reach me.. i kno i'm gonna go to hell for this.
i realli wanna wish u happy birthday.. but i dunno how to.. & i realli thank u for all the love u gave me tt nv got reciprocated. i hope u will find the girl tt will kno how amazing u r & how wonderful being loved by u can b..
:: Long Live My Girls! ::
Love. this one word makes my world go round.. merrily! w/o it i won't b wat i am today. I have love given to me in every direction.. i have my family, my friends, love of my schoolmates & love from my dearest one. & also love from my past loves.. where's e love, u were saying? It's everywhere..
i am not someone who is easily touched.. however, love amongst frens & sacrifices for love touches me unfailingly. sometimes e mere sight of my secondary sch mates gushing like teenagers can put me into tears.. cuz it reminds me of how we were like bac in sch & only 13 yrs old & now tt we're 23. we're still as tight as ever & it realli warms my heart.. the love i have for my frens surpasses the love for myself sometimes. i strongly believe tt w/o them, i wun b who i am today & they have moulded my character over the years.. (tt's y i'm so spoilt & unreasonable cuz they haf spoilt me rotten) & i feel tt i owe them many thank yous & sorrys for all tt i have done right & wrong thru-out our friendship. i guess i can only sum my emotions up with one sentence: I love u, gals..!
mellie-poo: u & i, we had a strange friendship. it was filled with love & hate & we nv knew where we stood in each other's heart. (& we both kno y.. tt b*tch!) but i mus say, even tho we nv realli talked abt it, i was glad tt u were one of e closer frens i had in sch cuz u were alwaes standing by ur own beliefs & not easily shaken. i realli respect u for tt. some of my many theories & beliefs were inspired by u bac in sec sch. keke. i'm happy 2 b still in touch & honoured to share ur life with you. thank u for e wonderful years of friendship & e many to come! *hugs!*
josie-wosie: this girl, as we haf gone thru over & over again, she's e peacemaker, sitting-on-the-fencer, ms neutral, wa e list goes on. haha. lately we haf a new nick for her, the baby of the grp! haha.. ironic cuz she's older than all of us. well, in sec sch i nv realli admired these traits. i'm of a domineering character & i alwaes believe in having ur own stands knowing wat u want. so i alwaes felt tt this girl ar, cannot make up her mind, cannot tell right from wrong, jus blindly follow. haha.. but i guess she had e makings of someone who cud b calm & composed in handling matters, listening to all sides of e story yet stay out of trouble & remain focused on solving e problem. tt is something i believe not all can do with a clear head. our grp can nv do without u cuz u r e "gel" and "glue" of this grp. she wud make a great team member but i think i make a better leader. haha..! *hugs!*
nana: xiao4 hua1, mei3 nu3, chio bu, dunno wat else ppl call her. haha. forever e most outstanding among us cuz of her flawless & fair complexion & tt signature long-flowing hair. keke.. well, i guess u can say she's e typical kind of person guys wud describe as a dream girl! so having a reputation like tt, it is hard to avoid competition & misunderstandings caused by jealousy. gotta admit, it's hard to fight off stuff like tt (girls, we gotta defend our fren!). throughout our yrs of frenship, there has been untrue & sometimes unfair statements made abt her & these things sometimes shook my trust in her. but somehow.. after many fights & quarrels between us, we emerged as champions of our friendship! guess our grp bonding is so strong nothing can jeopardize it at e end of e day. all of us have been childish but i am certain now we all kno clearly wat each of us are like in our hearts & if anything happens, we will alwaes defend each other fiercely. =) wa lao, this is one hell of a friendship tt has gone thru all tests (including distance..? =P) ok la nana, let's get married! haha.. *hugs!*
3sa: maybe i shud write this in a complete new entry cuz 3sa & i haf a life-story tgt! let's see, we were classmates since pri 3, spent 1 year apart in sec 1, reunited in sec 2 & all e way to sec 5. she's is a long time fren of mine tt realli dates back! haha.. she has been my soulmate when i need someone to talk to, my sister when i hated mine, my tissue paper when i cried, my crutch when i was weak in e knee, my brain when it ran out of juices & most importantly, the friend indeed when i needed. she may seem a bit blur & silly but e advice she give me are golden. she is smarter than she thinks & i suspect she doesn't kno it. 3sa says all e right things at e right time & i realli love her for tt. she knows when to praise me & when to tell me i'm wrong & when to jus keep quiet. i dun think i can find another person who knows me inside out. she is one of the most precious thing i possess, tgt with my i-pod, my hp, my.. er.. hahaha.. babe, i've said this a million times, i'll say it again & again even if u r sick of it, i will still say it: i love u!!!
tash: this has been an effortless friendship, meaning we nv put in much effort but we alwaes maintain a great friendship. haha. in pri sch, tash has alwaes been e cool one, i'm alwaes the nerdy one. but even so, she nv bullied me even tho i was a nerd, in fact, she talks to me like i'm cool as well. hee. (to a nerd, tt meant something k! haha..) if u think abt it, it's miraculous we r still in touch despite all ur disappearing acts! u've gone away to US.. & back. then to somewhere in aussie called virginia.. & back. & soon to aussie again!!! =P rem how we communicated when u were in US?? i sent u tapes like felicity!!! haha.. & lots of letters.. i dunno why we didn't jus email back then, it was not tt ulu! u kno, i was probably e saddest person when u had to leave in sec 3. cuz it was such a bad time for me.. i remember cat & cheryl wanted to get justin's frens to beat me up cuz i asked nana to break up with justin?? haha.. & i'll alwaes remember how u came to my aid & got me out of e confrontation. tasha.. is like my refuge.. she gives me shelter every time i need it.. & will only say e nicest things to make me feel good. i haf nv heard her say anything discouraging b4.. fabulous to have a positive day with. we didn't plan but we alwaes seem to share e most down periods of our lives tgt.. remember our "triple 9" episode with "james lye" & "wong lilin"? haha.. wat abt rejoicing over failing sec 1 exams & ending up in e same class in sec 2? man.. we alwaes had each other for support in our down times bac in IJ.. maybe we're jus suay tgt. hahah.. thank u for not giving up on this friendship, let's both try to put in more effort ok? much love!!! *hugs!*
:: yes i hear you ::
i am someone who is highly sensitive to non-verbal communication. i can tell wat u think of me jus by having u say one word: my name. whether u r authoritative, appreciation or simply out of pity, it gives it all away when u call me.
some ppl in my office, especially e high ranking ones, tend to call me in a very degrading tone. the kind of "kelly" tt means "i am higher ranking than u so jus do wat i tell u to". then there's another kind of high rankers tt calls e "kelly" tt means "i wud realli appreciate it if u cud help me". & the kind tt i am mostly greeted with is e kind of "kelly" tt means "i'm so glad to c u". it's hard to describe the tones asserted into one word jus by using words but it's abt there. & e very first of "kelly" absolutely irks me. it sounds like they r calling their maid.
but i guess i can do nothing abt it. cuz it is true, they r higher in rank, i jus gotta do wat they tell me to. but surely there can b less attitude & more manners in the way they talk to me. well, i have never looked up to power nor status. we r all humans after all.
:: negative source of motivation ::
i nv used to dislike m'sians this much until i met my new freaky colleague. & i haf found e answer as to why she acts like such a freak. well, the reason is simple. she does think tt she is different from us. she does not talk to me & colleague (which we all share the same work partitions with) in the way she talks to others. my colleague, a secretary, & me a fresh-out-of poly girl is apparently too low-class for her. When other colleagues of management level come to her desk, she immediately perks up & comes up with all her big theories & abt wat she used to teach at NUS. She speaks in a deliberate way for all in the partition to hear. She does treats us like bimbos. (well, one fact for sure, we r prettier than her.) it is not tahan-able. working with someone like tt realli kills my self-esteem & morale, given e little bit tt i've got left.. having said so much, i do dislike her.. but at e same time, i wonder if i'm jus bitter abt it.. that she is far more knowlegdeable & capable than me.. & in e position tt i hope to b in..
i'm 23 this year. yet i've only completed my diploma & holding my 1st job only now. my sister, when she was my age, she oredi completed her triple B degree.. & earning probably 1.5 times of wat i earn now.. she nv had to "start from scratch". She joined her current employment as pre-managerial level & was in fact asked to join them even b4 she graduated..
secretly, i haf low self-esteem. alwaes being compared to my sis, i felt inferior as a child. my sister was alwaes smarter, she was alwaes the role model, she alwaes did e right things even in the worse situations. me.. i failed my o'levels, went to ITE, stayed an extra semester in Poly.. wat do i do right, realli..?
sometimes when i'm sitting at my desk & all these "high-flyers" buzz ard me speaking in their management tones, i feel so small & little & somewhat ashamed.. i wish i cud find a hole to hide myself.. i hate having to explain why i'm 23 yet i only have a diploma & am holding my 1st full-time job.. wat am i supposed to say anywae, "o, cuz u kno, i'm not as bright..", or "yea, guess i took a longer route than all the normal ppl.." Gosh.. How do i put tt across w/o having to sound stupid..? =(
On a happier note (dun worry i'm not having suicidal thots), at least i completed my diploma despite having gone to ITE. & if i hafta take e longer route to reach my destination, then i will but with brisk steps & a big smile on my face. =D
:: i am not psycho, but dun try me!!! ::
been having this "sian-ness" since after dinner yday.. & it was only late last night tt i realised it was e setting in of my monday blues!! it oredi started to build up on sunday so i guess this is pretty bad.
well, i realised why i felt e tension cuz 1st thing this morning when i stepped into e office, my fone rang. My colleague was calling in sick today.. which means.. i hafta to face e freak all alone today!! with no one to talk to... sobz.. then i knew y i had the blues since yday..
finally, i managed to make it thru lunch time.. but.. e freak made an appt with other colleagues at 12noon (which is normally my time for lunch) & leaves me with no choice but to go at 1pm. thing is, my boss is on half day leave today & will b back in e office at 1pm. since my colleague is on sick leave today, i hafta b here when my boss gets back as there is only e 2 of us in our partition (excluding my darned colleague which i didn't count since she would not help to cover any of us anywae). WHICH MEANS.. i have no lunch break today!!!! it wud b perfect if i went off at 12, had a quick one & b back at 1 so tt i cud b here for my boss.. then she can go at 1.. but noooo.. she has to go at 12 today cuz she made an unimportant lunch date with another colleague... &#%^(&$#@^%$_)#@^!!!!!! may i murder her, pls?? PLEASE?!?!
:: how to fall in love..?? ::
falling in love.. is supposed to happen naturally, unintentionally.. exactly e reason why it is termed "falling" in love.. u dun plan to take a fall, do u?
but realli.. do u hafta to fall in love naturally?? like, u can't plan for it?? if tt does happen to u, i guess u're lucky. cuz in my opinion, there's alwaes some planning involved.. like u plan where to go so tt u can see *her*, or u plan wat to wear so u can attract *her*.. all these are forms of planning! to lead things to happen.. so in such cases, it ain't tt unintentional after all..!
haf been asked to play matchmaking AGAIN despite many refusals & disinterest in doing so.. nothing "pantang" abt it.. jus tt i'm realli bad at coordinating 2 groups of frens at one time.. & i'm also afraid of dealing with "wrong matches".. like wat if they didn't get along? or if someone said something tt offends e other? or if one of them feels uncomfortable with e other..? i feel tt e responsibility is on me tt they both haf a gd time tgt since i introduced them. i dun wanna b e one in e awkward position!!! i kno.. it sounds a bit selfish.. cuz wat if i was depriving 2 very interesting (& maybe prospective couple) ppl a chance of meeting??
and then, there's also another concern.. wat if they didn't like how each other looked..? like the girl thinks the guy can't dress for nuts & the guy thinks the girl has got thunder thighs so on.. o man.. somehow the stress falls bac on me!! if only ppl weren't so appearance-conscious, it wud make my job a lot easier.. but hell, i kno tt everyone has their own standards when it comes to appearance.. including myself.. so.. hai.. guess there's no choice la.. i can only leave it to fate!
so.. at this point, i haf decided to matchmake my fren with my bf's fren. honestly? i think my bf's fren is a great guy. he may be falling short in some areas pertaining to appearance but it's not like my fren is perfect either. However, he is a guy with a great sense of humour & also an attentive & sweet guy. my fren.. i wud say she'll b lucky to hav him cuz.. she doesn't haf e greatest traits & is not e easiest person to get along with altho she has a pure & simple mind. o no.. i am hesitating abt matchmaking them again!!! ok i'm jus gonna get this over & done with. arrange for their 1st meeting & i'm thru. period!
:: wat else can i b expecting from her? ::
i noticed something more irritating today. my sit-opp-me colleague talks to herself, yes, but i realised it is only when one of the biz heads walk into our dept, then she mumbles to herself like she is totally engrossed in her work & she isn't aware of her own mumblings. this is wat i call F.A.K.E. when there's not biggies ard, she's totally quiet. like a mouse. when someone walks in, she goes, "o..", "ah.. tt's wat i wan..", "wow, interesting.." IT IS DISGUSTING!!!! can someone pls.. knock her on e head?? *thank u*
&.. apparently she's a m'sian... who happens 2 b a rich one too cuz she stays at 6th ave. so i reckoned her bossy behaviour is due to e fact tt she's too used having a maid do things 4 her, thus, she needs a "maid" in e office too. Wish i cud get her the one from the movie, "The maid".
:: i solemnly declare ::
I HATE MY NEW COLLEAGUE! officially! jus a few hours ago i thot she was weird. now i think she's a freak. e very kind tt i hate!!!!
wat do u make of someone who, after u pass a picture book to, looks at the acknowledgements of e book & says, "oscar wilde, o, e father of pleasures, his philosophies u will nv understand, sensuality".. i dunno abt u but i sense someone trying to assert authority & play showy with me. it's disgusting. & e way she says out loud, "o i haf a meeting now" is like announcing to e whole world tt she is more impt than anyone since she is asked to attend e meeting. omg. why can't she, like a normal person, jus get off her seat & walk to e meeting room?? HONESTLY, IT'S DISGUSTING. & i actually flattered her by saying she's weird. she's not even jus weird! OMG. i hafta see her face everyday!! i can oredi feel my life changed! AARRRHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:: work update ::
i have a new colleague seated directly opposite me. so we face each other for e hours tt we sit at our desk. if she was e regular "hi i'm XXX, u r? o nice to meet u! where do u stay? i stay ard there too! o i was from XXX JC. O ya this is a difficult plc to find.." kind of colleague i wud b quite happy 2 face her day in & out. BUT.. she isn't.. in fact she's quite weird.. she talks to herself, doesn't apologise when she has overprinted on my document, refuses lunch invitations & refers to our boss by his 1st name. hmm.. quite different from us, i wud say. & it's so uncomfortable to have her opposite me seeing wat i'm doing every second of e day.. i'm jus thankful she doesn't stare..
i am finishing my 3rd week at this office.. so far so gd except there r jus too many things to pick up & i need to learn quickly b4 i get condemned by my boss for my inefficiency! my mentor has been nice, patient & all.. but i figured she has to b cuz i am taking over when she goes for maternity leave. of cuz with or without me she will b going for maternity leave except with me ard, the boss wun b at her back so much or harp at e inconvenience of her absence. =)
1st outing to KTV with my colleagues this fri.. hmm.. not too close with this particular grp of colleagues but since i'm invited, it wud b nice to go. this grp comprises of all e youngsters.. the 20 somethings. keke.. so let's all go out & celebrate our youth while we can!!!
:: in loving memory of.. ::
i haven't realli talked abt this since my 4/5 family moved out of our home.. well, i wudn't call wat i'm staying in now a "home". it's not even our plc.
=( somehow it jus feels different.
since it is my father's birthday today, i thot i shud pay him a tribute. it's weird how i nv remembered his bday when we stayed tgt. but since last night it has been ringing in my head, "it's daddy's bday tomoro" & i can't help wondering how he's spending it? alone?
no i wun b calling him. i wun b msging him. i wun b doing anything at all. all tt has happened is jus not settled yet & dust is still in e air. & i cannot forgive how he treated my mum & us thru-out our years of growing up. i alwaes say, no one can judge ur family except urself cuz wat do they kno??? NUTS! so dun ever tell me, "aiya, he's ur father after all" or "dun have to b so mean, rite.." cuz u dunno wat is mean & wat he's done to us. if i fall out with u over this, it wun b anything strange.
women r strange creatures, our mood swings like a pendulum. as much as i hate my father, i do think he does not deserve to b treated e way he did. at least not to such extreme extents whereby we totally disregard his presence. like e chinese saying goes, "bu zhi zhe wu zui" --> "those who do not kno r not to blame". ok it's gg 2 b a long entry, pls bear with me.
1st, lemme explain why i'm using tt saying on my father. my mum, has spoilt my dad rotten. she alwaes gives in to him, she alwaes lets him have his pie & eat it. she never tells him he's wrong, she never speaks up for herself. so if someone is being canned into this of behaviour since e 1st day of e relationship, how is he to kno tt wat e other party is feeling?? or wat exactly has he done to offend her? on top of tt, my dad is an MCP (who's dad in our generation isn't?) one tt nv thinks he is wrong & has all e say in e house. so being in such an environment for more than 20 yrs, how can he accept his children talking back to him, telling him wat he has been doing wrong all these years?? Even when we, the children, were telling our dad wat's wrong, my mom nv uttered a word abt her grievances. So my dad was under e impression tt we led our mum into believing tt she is being mistreated.
So, bac to e saying. it is not exactly fair tt one day we jus decide to tell him wat is wrong & take off, cuz he didn't kno in e 1st plc. & we nv gave him a chance to change. but then again, it isn't e 1st time we tried talking to him. it's jus tt e previous times it nv got into his head. he realli took it for granted again & again & continued with his abuses. it was only when we realli packed & walked out e door tt it struck him. so, whose fault issit realli? my mum, for not communicating with my dad? my dad, for taking things for granted? or issit us, e children, who wrecked havoc for this "family" like wat my dad accused us of? but i believe, whoever's fault it is, it will not equate to all e hurt & torment we put up with my dad's beatings & temper. he has had his way for e past 20+ years & we suffered. it is now my mum's time to enjoy e rest of her life in peace.
jus thinking abt wat happened realli pains my heart. as a family, i wun say tt we weren't happy. there were good times, altho they were minimal. i am willing to give up tt minimal time in exchange of my mum's freedom. honestly, my mum was like my dad's prisoner. literally. whenever i get soft-hearted, i will think abt wat he did to my mum, my sis, my bro & me all these years, & i kno i will nv forgive him as long as i am alive.
maybe e only thing i have to thank him for is bringing me to this world. even then, my mum told us he did not want any children in the marriage. it was my mum who wanted us. so.. wat am i thanking him for again?
well, i hope he will miss e times when he forced us to b happy & celebrate his birthday with him. cuz today, he will most probably b spending it alone, sleeping e day away or something.
ironically, e divorce papers we applied for came yesterday.
hey u, happy birthday.
