:: My Drama-Rama Mind ::

:: i will make a terrible daughter-in-law. no doubt abt tt. ::

i'm not an extreme perfectionist, but i wun allow any flaws in my relationships. I'm a libran, i love beautiful things. i cannot stand looking at ppl begging in e streets, children being scolded, old folks eating alone in a hawker centre. It makes me upset. if i imagine things the way they are, then they better turn out exactly like it shud. else, i'll get realli realli upset..

basically, there's nothing wrong with my bf & i.. he loves me a lot, holds my hand when i'm sleeping by his side, talks to me in the most gentle tone despite having been tgt for more than 2 years, alwaes makes sure i have something to eat at the dinner table. in fact, wateva i ask from him, he will normally deliver. like i set e rule tt no girls are to take a ride from him on his bike. Not one girl has sat on his bike. i ask tt he tells me every morning when he reaches the office, he msgs me promptly every morning. i tell him to quit the habit of sleeping so late, he's been turning in earlier & earlier each night. On his own initiative, he checks my acc from time to time to c if i have money to spend. If i dun, he'll alwaes put money in for me. this is realli touching, i say. So u c, i haf, wat some might say, a perfect bf. yet i am still unhappy. why??

i shud say his mother did a good job in bringing him up. so much so that he's very filial to his mum & dotes on her more than anyone in the world. I kno u gonna think i'm gonna break out in my jealous bouts. But i honestly feel tt this is not jus a bout of plain jealousy. it is my future happiness at stake. i can understand how guys r attached to their mums. But shudn't there be a limit? when he went to china a few months ago, he called his mum when he touched down. me? nothing. his mum called to tell me he has touched down. the nex few days that followed saw no calls/smses from him at all. when he closes a deal, he calls his mum immediately to "update". me? i get a summary of events at the end of the day of wat happened today. when he is faced with trouble at work, he goes home & have long talks with his mum abt the problem. Me? he jus tells me he had a bad day at work. despite these, he insists tt his mother & me r equally impt to him. i dun c any equality here.

the thing tt bothers me the most.. is tt he is so dependent on his mother & for the simplest thing he wud yell "MOM!". it suddenly occurred to me yday.. how can i ever start a family with someone who yells "mom"?? imagine if we had our own home, & we had household stuff to fix, i can't imagine him calling up his mum to get advice. tt is totally irksome. i wanna run my own household & i dun need anyone else to run it for me. whenever i gave advice tt is different from his mum, he wud alwaes answer with, "i ask my mother." well, why dun u simply jus say, "i think my mum knos it better than u."

Many times i ask myself, why am with him? i feel no different from a vase. & i realli wonder wat he needs me for. jus somebody there to take e title of "girlfriend". man, tt IS sad.

& lastly, he has no plans abt our future, like when we shud get married, how much we shud save. & all these months of hard work, he claims it's for US. how? when there's no plan for US? we can't get a hse cuz his mum has't decided where she wants to stay. (cuz we hafta stay near her.) so when issit abt me??

am i being MCP (the female version) or petty here? i dunno. am i being overly-possessive? i dun c nothing wrong in asking for some security from the person i'm gonna marry. at least i wanna feel someone is on my side shud anything go wrong between me & his family. but no, he has insisted that he wud stay neutral no matter wat happens.. which means he wun take my side but i wun guarantee he wun take his mother's side. i read somewhere tt a successful marriage involve openly expressing to each other they are each's 1st priority, no matter wat. now i haf someone telling me i am of equal priority with his mother. does tt count..?

i am realli realli upset with this whole issue. like i said, my future happiness is at stake. i realli dun wanna risk "maybe after we get married, things will change". as much as i wanna b the nice, understanding wife who wun make things difficult for her husband, i can't. cuz it makes me too upset to kno i'm not his 1st priority when i have given my all in this relationship. what kind of assurance is there for me if i marry him?? i'm throwin myself into a shithole, aren't i??

this sucks. & it's a monday today, wat cud b worse, i wonder.

posted by Mrs. Lee @ 9:38 AM