:: To Cheat is the Nature of Men ::
偷吃是男人的本性, 怀疑男人会偷吃是女人的天性.
If you dun understand mandarin, the above says, "To cheat is the nature of Men, to be suspicious of Men cheating is the nature of Women."
and i used to live by tt theory, until my bf knocked some sense into me. i do agree tt we can't judge a whole population by the majority of how they behave. it is not fair to the minority. it alwaes isn't.
but how do u want me to believe otherwise, when there r cheating cases in my face all the time? i nv realli hated Men, but after hearing abt wat happened to a dear fren, who is too blinded by love (hereby named TBBL), i cannot say tt i love all Men. Literally, i only love one.
TBBL met Men Species A (hereby named MSA). They went on to date, and eventually moved in tgt into a rented flat. After less than 3 months, TBBL got pregnant. MSA had previously promised tt if TBBL got pregnant, he wud most gladly marry her. And guess wat, when she told him of the "good news", and asked, "so wat shud we do now?" he replied bluntly with, "it's up to u." So much for wanting to marry her. not exactly a very smart answer, very irresponsible too.
if i were in her shoes, i wud definitely not choose to haf the baby. not tt i think terminating the pregnancy is an ethical thing to do, if it happened to my bf and me, we wud definitely haf the baby, cuz i kno he is the right man for me to start a family with. on top of tt, he wud nv ask of me to do such an unethical act, after having been tgt for more than 3 years. but given TBBL's circumstance and situation, (come on, they been tgt for less than 3 months!) i wud think tt there is no other choice but to terminate it. wat if after she chooses to haf the baby, the guy wants to have nothing to do with her..? after all, he's made it clear, "it's up to you" aka "it's your choice". you decide to have it, you bear with the consequences. i wud not haf my dear fren go thru this alone. not only will she ruin an innocent life, she is ruining her own. out of the 2 terrible options, she decided to go ahead to terminate the pregnancy.
not only did the guy not accompany her for consultation and the actual surgery, he didn't even pay for it. i accompanied her for all the consultations as well as the surgery.. and i felt so upset for her yet there was nothing i cud do. crude as it may sound, all this becuz of a fcuking horny guy who cudn't think with anything but his dumb stick. how hard issit to NOT get someone pregnant?
IT ISN'T! such guys r simply not considerate enuff or simply, too dumb to think of consequences. which is why i will nv date a guy has made girls pregnant b4. it is such a telling sign of his maturity and responsibility.
less than a week after the trauma was over, i had a call from TBBL. she was sobbing over the phone and cud not talk for the 1st 5 min. the horrible things tt went thru my mind for that 5 min, were jus so torturing. "wat cud haf possibly been worse now? the 'problem' is oredi solved. wat now..?"
until she blurted out,
"he's married".I CANNOT EXPLAIN THE ANGER TT WENT THRU ME LIKE A SHOCK.wat is the fcuking assh*le trying to do?!
MSA was married all along and he had the cheek to fool ard and even to the extent of impregnating someone else! SHAMELESS! tt wud explain why he cud not marry my fren as promised b4 and y he did not accompany her to the doctor's. probably afraid of being seen.
WAT AN ABSOLUTE & TOTAL JERK. and u think such things only happened in soap pperas.
nothing i said cud haf comforted TBBL. she had gone thru all tt trauma for nothing.
which brings me to the big question:
WHY DO MEN CHEAT?the only logical answer i haf, is tt they r horny. for some strange reason, their wife whom they gave up their freedom to marry, whom they promised to honour and respect, suddenly lost their appeal.
these very men, r giving marriage such a bad name. and as well as those men who actually do respect and honour their wives under all circumstances and wud give up almost anything to make their wives happy.
why oh why do Men cheat?Will Men ever understand the true meaning of marriage? tt Women are willing to give up their looks and status in society to bear chidren and start a family with the Man they love?
why do God allow such Men to exist in the world..? to accentuate the good ones? i realli dun understand.
wateva the case, i believe in karma. it is something no one can run away from. and MSA is gonna get it ten fold.
Assh*le.
:: Job-hunting is an SKILL ::
it has been exactly one month since i quit my job.. which means.. i haf been bumming ard for a month now. argh. at least i managed to chalk up a few interviews last week and this week. so i dun feel like tt much of a bum. :(
having gone thru so much of job hunting.. i realised one thing. replying to job ads does not work anymore. out of 20 CVs u send, u might only get one interview out of the potential 20. and tt totally sucks. cuz tt means the only sure way to secure an interview/job is to go thru recommendations aka pulling strings. i dun think tt is a dirty thing to do, it's all abt connections.
i haf been gg thru this channel of job hunting since i graduated and i mus say, it has landed me in good companies and good jobs. so.. hopefully my nex employment will also keep up to my previous standards!! *fingers crossed*
so far i haf had one 1st interview which i kno i am definitely getting a 2nd interview for.. one job offer that i rejected cuz the offer was too low.. and 2 potential 1st interviews tt are coming my way. all thru recommendations.
welcome to the real world. it is a realistic, sad and cold world out here. but if u can deal with plastic smiles and love ur enemy as God says, then u r ready for it.
welcome, welcome!
:: stickwitu ::
i don't wanna go another day
so i'm telling you exactly what is on my mind
seems like everybody's breaking up
throwing their love away
but i know i got a good thing right here
that's why i say (hey)
nobody gonna love me better
i must stick with you forever
nobody gonna take me higher
i must stick with you
you know how to appreciate me
i must stick with you, my baby
nobody ever made me feel this way
i must stick with you
i don't wanna go another day
so i'm telling you exactly what is on my mind
see the way we ride in our private lives
ain't nobody getting in between
i want you to know that you're the only one for me
and i say
nobody gonna love me better
i must stick with you forever
nobody gonna take me higher
i must stick with you
you know how to appreciate me
i must stick with you, my baby
nobody ever made me feel this way
i must stick with you
and now
ain't nothing else i can need
and now
i'm singing cause you're so, so into me.
i got you
we'll be making love endlessly
i'm with you
baby, you're with me
so don't you worry about
people hanging around
they ain't bringing us down
i know you and you know me
and that's all that counts
so don't you worry about
people hanging around
they ain't bringing us down
i know you and you know me
and that's why i say
nobody gonna love me better
i must stick with you forever
nobody gonna take me higher
i must stick with you
you know how to appreciate me
i must stick with you, my baby
nobody ever made me feel this way
i must stick with you
nobody gonna love me better
i must stick with you forever
nobody gonna take me higher
i must stick with you
you know how to appreciate me
i must stick with you, my baby
nobody ever made me feel this way
i must stick with you
:: comeback kid! ::
i finally went bac to sch to collect my diploma.. after having graduated for almost a year! i think i've been too comfortable in sch.. either tt or i've spent too much time in sch.. (who, me??) cuz even after a year, walking on tt familiar corridor in sch has not made me feel out of plc.. nor did i feel peculiar.. it felt like any other day where i wud stroll into class late and haf abt 20 pairs of eyes stare at me as i walk in nonchalantly. :p actually it felt quite good to b walking in sch.. maybe cuz i haf oredi graduated. :)
holding the piece of paper in my hands.. means a lot to me. i kno some ppl feel like, wa lao.. it's only a piece of a paper after having slogged for 3 years in sch.. to me, this is the fruit of my labour.. the very thing i went thru ITE for.. the very thing i put up with wat ppl might say 2 years of embarrassment for having failed my O's and gg to an ITE. i may haf taken the longer route, but wat matters most to me, is tt i reach the end state.. tt is attaining my Diploma in marketing. :) for the 1st time in my life, i felt a wee bit proud.. of my determination and capabilities despite a discouraging father and misunderstood frens. *big pat on my own back!*
i am not sure wat ppl think of ITE now.. those days, ppl labelled ITE as "it's the end". but i am sure tt if i had not gone thru ITE myself, i wud haf the same steoreotype thinking abt ITE. in fact even on the 1st day of ITE, i was not able to walk with my head high.. in tt dreadful uniform. i had refused to sign up for ITE and my mom had to drag me to bishan ITE the day after the O'level results were released. i was still in my rebellious phase and i did not want to repeat a year at my secondary sch.. i had wanted to do privately to repeat my O's. however, my family is not a well to do one therefore my parents cud not afford to put me in a private institution. i only had 2 choices, i either go bac to secondary sch to repeat one more year, or go to ITE and at the same time enrol with MOE as a private candidate to repeat my O's. this way, if i failed my O's again (how negative, i kno), i can still fall back on my ITE cert.
to this day, i thank my mother for dragging me to enrol for ITE tt day.. she knew i wud not haf the discipline to study for my O's independently.. and insisted i enrolled into ITE. mothers do know their children best, i'm sure of tt.
to b able to explain and decribe how it was like to b labelled an ITE student.. is not easy. but it is also the exact thing tt made me work damn bloody hard to b different from the regular ITE student. i did not wan to b stereotyped as one of them, but the elites of them.
during my time, the ppl who went to ITE were not interested to study, they jus didn't wanna go out to work so young an age. for the guys, it was to escape army. so u can imagine, under such circumstances and in such an environment, it is not exactly very conducive for succeeding academically. however, i made use of the opportunity to excel since no one wanted to. and it was easy, cuz there were hardly any competition, plus the teachers there were more than happy to teach an eager student. i turned the disadvantages into my advantages. i participated actively in all the sch events and i was almost the sch ambassador for every one of them. as such, i got to kno my sch principal and was on good terms with a lot of my teachers and mentors. when i graduated and earned a place in NYP, all of them were eager to vouch for my credentials in ITE, including my principal.
thus, i started my journey in NYP.. sadly, it was not half as interesting as ITE was for me. ciz it was there tt i truly excelled as a student.
ITE has done me a big favour in my life and kinda gave me a 2nd chance. therefore, i detest those tt make ITE look bad or even those who still continue to stereotype ITE to this day. ITE has evolved from a place for rejected and unwanted students to a place for those who want a second shot in their academic life.
i hope ITE students will not look down on themselves, but take the opportunity to strive towards their 2nd chance at getting a diploma or even a degree, which is wat i intend to do.
today, i think of ITE as "I'm The Elite". :)
lastly, i want to say tt there r many ways of getting things done, jus because u do it a different way, does not make u wrong. so go out there, and show everyone wat u can do! cuz if u dun, u will nv kno wat u r capable of.
CHEERS!
:: nothing lasts forever ::
wat it appears to me right now.. is tt he is trying to delay for time. for wat, i certainly haf no idea. he is biding for the right time to say the right things (or wrong things?) or perhaps, he simply wants to concentrate on his world cup. wow, i feel so impt. (btw, i am sad tt POR is out. and i think FRA is gonna win the cup.)
suddenly a lot of things tt he said in the past flew back into my mind.. and made me more mad.
1. when we quarreled last time, he wud alwaes try to resolve it in the shortest time possibe cuz, "i kno u wud feel horrible emotionally.. so i wanna solve it asap so u wun haf to go thru it too long.." and wat now, he is taking his own sweet time, making me feel horrible to punish me, issit? or, he dun realli care how i feel anymore?
2. "i nv thot of breaking up with u, i haf oredi decided u to b my life partner." and now, it's, "u r right to say i haf been impatient with u, and i think u deserve someone better." so much for treating me like family, as if he wud go to his mother and say, "i think u deserve a better son, so.. bye."
i haf nv been and nv will b treated as an equal to his FAMILY.
3. "even if we quarrel and i am angry with u, i will still tell u where i'm gg and wat i'm doing for the day. but u dun, and it's like u dun care abt the r'ship anymore." and look who is calling the kettle black? no sms-es or phone calls for 3 days now. i wudn't haf known even if he's oredi gotten a new "life partner". and yes, it also looks like he does not wish to carry on with this r'ship anymore.
to me, these r clear signs of an end to a r'ship. and i am tired of waiting for the verdict. why shud i let him torture me like tt? if there were any love, i certainly dun feel it now. if tt was his way of being understanding, in my POV, it isn't. and if he thot things wud calm down after a few days, in my case, it has gotten worst. and i am getting more hopeless each day of hearing wat i wanna hear from him.
as many wud also do, i am withdrawing slowly from him. i suppose the pain wun b too bad when he finally decides on the prosperous day to hit me with his decision. even tho it's all so clear to me now. living in denial is such a hard to thing to do. i kno it yet i still do it.
if u r thinking why i dun jus call him up to sort things out, cuz i think the last bit of thing i can do for him, is to respect his privacy. something he hasn't had a lot since we were tgt, i guess.
i am starting to suspect tt he is finally beginning to feel like i did when we 1st started out.. like this is not the right r'ship for him.. and it's gg nowhere.. and it's impossible for us to work out our differences. but i've come a long way to build up something substantial and convincing between us and NOW he feels this way. it wud b a bloody waste of time for me if this ended. not to mention the bloody effort too. it was all for fcuk.
sad to kno i am unwanted. horrified to kno he can actually let go. devastated to kno the love is gone.
NOTHING LASTS FOREVER.
yes i m very angry.
:: but it hurts ::
i woke up this morning.. as usual.. in a lost. and suddenly frightened so much by the silence in my mind and in my heart.. and the revelavations tt came along with it..
do u kno how it feels like when the future u've been looking forward to.. didn't exist anymore.. never going to happen..
wat if u wanted to fulfill all ur promises but u haf been robbed of tt right..
u realise all the things tt haf been routine to u, haf taken on a different agenda.. and tt it does not haf to b routine anymore..
u realise u've given so much of urself to someone.. tt w/o the person.. u r really nobody..
u wonder how ur heart is so empty.. yet it is filled with pain..
i wud much rather b separated by death than by hate..
i realli wanna move on.. like how i used to when i was happily single.. except now i am suddenly single..
i wanna b able to accept tt he does not care anymore.. but it hurts..
i wanna b able to feel happy for him to b leading a better life w/o me.. but it hurts..
i wanna b able to smile from the heart when i kno he has gotten a new partner.. but it hurts..
i wanna b able to love another person w/o being reminded of him.. but it hurts..
i wanna b able to talk to him as a friend.. but it hurts..
i wanna b able to b a part of his life but not get involved.. but it hurts..
it hurts..
:: 圈套 ::
i haf been wallowing in self pity for the past days, religiously sitting by my phone, willing it to ring.. and wondering why he still hasn't called yet.
one minute i'm thinking to myself, "this might b better for us, perhaps better for him. and it's something everyone has to go thru, so come on, hit me."
nex minute, i'm thinking, "this is not true.. he can't b serious.. after all this time?? impossible. no. can't b. he'll b calling me soon, i kno tt."
i am becoming another person. not even ET, but CT, the Crazy Twin.
to b perfectly honest, i do not want it to end. we've put in so much time and effort, it's realli quite a waste. plus, aren't all r'ships like tt? i nv thot there was a perfect r'ship in the world. ok maybe there is, but it wud nv happen to me. we haf a turbulent r'ship but, i do love him at the end of day. the thot of him even contemplating to end it at this point in time, is devastating.
this being my 1st real r'ship, wud also b my 1st heartbreak. i'm beginning to feel it sinking in and i realli dun like it. i think it's gonna b much much worse when the news comes eventually.
i dunno how to fight this, my brain is telling me to let go but my heart doesn't want to. i'm too used to him, too habitual to quit. my mind is a complete mess and waiting for the phone call is so so hard to bear.
this time the tables are turned on me, he is holding my destiny in his hands. no matter how much i wanna make it work, it's not my call. if one has oredi given up, wat's the use of the other hanging on?
learn to let go, you.. learn to let go..
this is the upteenth time this happened.
even he is sick of it.
he's saying things he nv used to.
maybe this is wat is gg to happen, finally.
why do i nv learn my lesson?
我被自己困在自己设下的圈套.
and i'm beginning to feel like i deserve it.
:: 自我催眠 ::
人群里面那个我把幸福遗落
那曾经走过的路口我停了你却走
我想捂住我的耳朵听不见你说
爱就在此刻松手分手放手
我猜不透不猜透
和你背对背的走
原来怪我没有
没有爱情的天分你才要走
我想要学会自我催眠
痛觉会少一些
潜意识作祟想着想到失眠
我躺在没有你的房间
寂寞更加明显
我渐渐的自我催眠
却回不到从前
等着红灯那个我还会向前走
也许那幸福的执着在下一个路口
专属铃声我还留着却静静沉默
在我们之间爱了放了散了
我会不说不想说
怕说了也没有用
现在我的幽默
只是掩饰着心痛我的难过
我想要学会自我催眠
痛觉会少一些
潜意识作祟想着想到失眠
我躺在没有你的房间
寂寞更加明显
我渐渐的自我催眠
却回不到从前
我想要学会自我催眠
聪明再多一些
潜意识作祟想着想到失眠
我走在没有你的世界
却走不到永远
我渐渐的自我催眠
慢慢闭上双眼
:: save me ::
Loving you
like I never have before
I'm needing you
just to open up the door
if beggin you
might somehow turn the tides
then tell me to
I've gotta get this off my mind
I never thought I'd be speakin these words
never thought I'd need to say
another day alone is more than I can take
won't you save me?
cuz saving's what I need
I just wanna be by your side
won't you save me
I don't wanna be
just driftin through the sea of life
won't you listen please?
baby don't walk out that door
I'm on my knees
you're all I'm living for
I never thought I'd be speakin these words
heaven thought I'd find a way
another day alone is more than I can take
won't you save me?
cuz saving's what I need
I just wanna be by your side
won't you save me
I don't wanna be
just driftin through the sea of life
suddenly the sky is fallin
could it be it's too late for me?
if I never said I'm sorry
then I'm wrong yes I'm wrong
then I hear my spirit callin
wonderin' if he's longin' for me
and then I know that I can't live without him
won't you save me?
cuz saving's what I need
I just wanna be by your side
won't you save me
cuz I don't wanna be
just drifting through the sea of life
