Friday, September 09, 2005

:: happy birthday to the one borned on 8 September 1979 ::

Yesterday was the birthday of one of my ex. I alwaes refer to him as the 1-week guy. I realli wanted to drop him a msg to say happy birthday.. but i didn't have his number. Deleted when I changed my phone. I wanted to send him a msg on friendster.. but he wasn't in my friendster list. altho i wud b able to locate him easliy thru frens, but somehow i didn't. i guess i still can't face him nor myself for having been so mean to him after we broke up. the guilt i haf towards him will alwaes b there & i suspect it will nv go away.

i actually saw him at z*uk 2 weeks ago when he was bac from Japan for vacation. my heart pounded like how it did when we 1st met at z*uk. i cudn't control myself stealing glances at him. however, i wished he didn't turn ard to see me there. he didn't. which is partly cuz i was trying to camouflage among the crowd. After i walked to another spot in the club, i didn't c him again.

A fren of mine msged me jus 2 days b4 i met him at z*uk tt he had been asking ard, looking for my number so we can "haf coffee & catch up". It was one of his fave things to do. But i still felt i'm not ready to see him. my heart is panging with guilt.. i might cry if i saw him & it wud b out of pity.. & i didn't want tt..

sometimes i realli miss e days when we hung out as frens. we had a natural chemistry, he alwaes managed to make me laugh & vice versa. he also courted me wildly, e kind tt only existed in romance novels. he'd look me up in the middle of the night, bring me to his fave spot in SG, tell me wat this means to him. he'd look me up at sch during my lunch jus to spend 15 min with me. he'd drive all the way from the east to my hse in AMK to take me to sch in NYP which is only blocks away. he'd rush his work out so tt he cud see me at night. he disobeyed his officer's orders & went up to stefanie sun during NDP to get a signature for me. best of all, he'd let me drive his less-than-a-week-old car, w/o a license! (this realli meant how much he loved me, rite guys!!!) well, he was realli the sweet guy i fell in love with.

but maybe it was only infatuation.. cuz once we got tgt, he started to get possessive.. & it realli started to turned me off. i cudn't get past an hour without him msging me. he saw me whenever he was available & gave me all his attention. funny, tt sounds like a perfect bf. so wat went wrong?? after 2 years, i realised why. i was too young, not ready to commit, not ready to b loved like how 2 persons planning to get married loved. most of all, i didn't understand love. i thot love was jus a feeling.. the one tt makes u dizzy, makes u happy & full of surprises. but i didn't kno the other side of love which is commitment, compromising, understanding & forgiving. & so.. i broke up with him. i broke e heart tt he placed into my hands.. i hafta admit at tt point, i didn't feel anything for him at all.. i jus wanted him out of my life so i cud get my life bac. despite his many efforts to try to make me see & salvage the relationship, i refused to give it a chance & trampled on his heart over & over again.. i changed my number so he cudn't reach me.. i kno i'm gonna go to hell for this.

i realli wanna wish u happy birthday.. but i dunno how to.. & i realli thank u for all the love u gave me tt nv got reciprocated. i hope u will find the girl tt will kno how amazing u r & how wonderful being loved by u can b..

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