:: My Drama-Rama Mind ::

:: in loving memory of.. ::

i haven't realli talked abt this since my 4/5 family moved out of our home.. well, i wudn't call wat i'm staying in now a "home". it's not even our plc.
=( somehow it jus feels different.

since it is my father's birthday today, i thot i shud pay him a tribute. it's weird how i nv remembered his bday when we stayed tgt. but since last night it has been ringing in my head, "it's daddy's bday tomoro" & i can't help wondering how he's spending it? alone?

no i wun b calling him. i wun b msging him. i wun b doing anything at all. all tt has happened is jus not settled yet & dust is still in e air. & i cannot forgive how he treated my mum & us thru-out our years of growing up. i alwaes say, no one can judge ur family except urself cuz wat do they kno??? NUTS! so dun ever tell me, "aiya, he's ur father after all" or "dun have to b so mean, rite.." cuz u dunno wat is mean & wat he's done to us. if i fall out with u over this, it wun b anything strange.

women r strange creatures, our mood swings like a pendulum. as much as i hate my father, i do think he does not deserve to b treated e way he did. at least not to such extreme extents whereby we totally disregard his presence. like e chinese saying goes, "bu zhi zhe wu zui" --> "those who do not kno r not to blame". ok it's gg 2 b a long entry, pls bear with me.

1st, lemme explain why i'm using tt saying on my father. my mum, has spoilt my dad rotten. she alwaes gives in to him, she alwaes lets him have his pie & eat it. she never tells him he's wrong, she never speaks up for herself. so if someone is being canned into this of behaviour since e 1st day of e relationship, how is he to kno tt wat e other party is feeling?? or wat exactly has he done to offend her? on top of tt, my dad is an MCP (who's dad in our generation isn't?) one tt nv thinks he is wrong & has all e say in e house. so being in such an environment for more than 20 yrs, how can he accept his children talking back to him, telling him wat he has been doing wrong all these years?? Even when we, the children, were telling our dad wat's wrong, my mom nv uttered a word abt her grievances. So my dad was under e impression tt we led our mum into believing tt she is being mistreated.

So, bac to e saying. it is not exactly fair tt one day we jus decide to tell him wat is wrong & take off, cuz he didn't kno in e 1st plc. & we nv gave him a chance to change. but then again, it isn't e 1st time we tried talking to him. it's jus tt e previous times it nv got into his head. he realli took it for granted again & again & continued with his abuses. it was only when we realli packed & walked out e door tt it struck him. so, whose fault issit realli? my mum, for not communicating with my dad? my dad, for taking things for granted? or issit us, e children, who wrecked havoc for this "family" like wat my dad accused us of? but i believe, whoever's fault it is, it will not equate to all e hurt & torment we put up with my dad's beatings & temper. he has had his way for e past 20+ years & we suffered. it is now my mum's time to enjoy e rest of her life in peace.

jus thinking abt wat happened realli pains my heart. as a family, i wun say tt we weren't happy. there were good times, altho they were minimal. i am willing to give up tt minimal time in exchange of my mum's freedom. honestly, my mum was like my dad's prisoner. literally. whenever i get soft-hearted, i will think abt wat he did to my mum, my sis, my bro & me all these years, & i kno i will nv forgive him as long as i am alive.

maybe e only thing i have to thank him for is bringing me to this world. even then, my mum told us he did not want any children in the marriage. it was my mum who wanted us. so.. wat am i thanking him for again?

well, i hope he will miss e times when he forced us to b happy & celebrate his birthday with him. cuz today, he will most probably b spending it alone, sleeping e day away or something.

ironically, e divorce papers we applied for came yesterday.

hey u, happy birthday.

posted by Mrs. Lee @ 9:07 AM