:: truly.. madly.. deeply.. .. .. blue.. .. .. ::
i kno tt i haf a problem.. i'm trying my best not to b so meticulate n particular abt all e little things in a relationship.. but e more i keep it inside, e more upset i am.. and when i try to communicate across to him, i do it in e worse way possible.. like getting angry and throwing tantrums.. alwaes wanting it my way.. and no matter wat he says or does, it will not appease me. why?? i am so conscious of this but yet i do it all e time.. am i taking it for granted?? but i am aware of it, i realli am.. so it's not jus e men, i dun get it too.
maybe we r spending too much time tgt, my life revolves too much ard him.. so when he's not with me, i feel he owes it to me.. and tt he shud b with me whenever he can. does tt make sense? apparently not.. so wat's e remedy to this?? i shud start living my own life, apart from him.. or lower my expectations, take things as they come, stop having hopes and wishes and bla bla bla.. i dun like e 2nd option.. but e 1st one ain't too appealing either.. i feel damn shitty. i'm making life hard for e both of us. i kno it's so hard for him cuz he doesn't kno wat i want (but i dun too) and he doesn't kno how to deal with it and he realli wants me to b happy.. i wan us to be happy too.. but somehow it's jus not working. it's me. i kno. but i realli dunno wat to do.. it feels like we're in a make or break situation. i very much wanna make it but i'm breaking it with my very own hands. moron. me. fool. me. retarded asshole. me. f*cking stupid. me. bloody spoilt. me. unreasonable. still me.
i can officially kill myself now.
:: hi uncle, FYI, it was out of formalities, not love ::
once again, i was at a near death situation with my relationship.. and once again, we pulled it back in time. sometimes love and hate is just a thin line away.. u need to recollect urself, think it over word for word, line by line to determine wat the f*ck jus happened. it's sad cuz my bf and i r both the rash and stubborn kind. he ends up giving in to me most of the time cuz i guess i am more stubborn than he is. and also cuz he is more matured than me and knows better than to throw tantrums. but each time we go thru an episode like tt, it stengthens our relationship and makes me realise more.. like how much my bf means to me and me to him. my bf is the most patient person when he is with me. he has the most generous and giving heart when he is with me. he is the most rational and intelligent guy when he is with me. he is also the person who loves me the most in the world, i am certain of that. i can get thrashed at work, get shit from my folks, and get stepped all over by the harsh things in life.. but when he comes to jus sit quietly and hold my hand, my world is lit up and i see light at the end of the tunnel. yup, it is tt amazing..
so maybe not all rich guys are nice like those tt i currently kno. some r still childish and self-centred despite being near 30 yrs of age. and maybe complacent too. guy A has jus came into my life and i guess it is quite flattering for me cuz he was trying so hard to get my number to ask me out. but he was jus too shallow for me, not tt i was interested in e 1st place. upon hearing tt i was attached, he got all defensive to say he wasn't looking for a gf, and tt he was jus bored. *duh..* honestly speaking, i'm not exactly interested either, was jus being polite by giving him my number. thank u very much...!
so guy A is officially e 2nd uncle who has tried to ask me out. meaning he is a relative of mine.. o man.. complicating ties.. complicating relationships.. i'm happy with mine.. stay out, everyone! muackz, dear!
:: i'm 23... i'm 23?? ::
i think it is a bit late at this time to have an identity crisis.. but i do! standing at 23 years of age as of October 2005, i still doubt my own character very much. i guess majority of e ppl almost hardly c their own behaviour.. or think there is anything wrong with them.. well i used to be like tt until suddenly a few months bac, i dun understand how but i'm starting to loathe my own behaviour and attitude. Yet i can do nothing abt it. It is similar to having a split personality except i am aware of it. isn't tt creepy? i'm almost gg nuts. i kno i am petty, bossy, more impatient these days, jealous, possessive.. OMG. all these make such a terrible person. and i'm sad tt i am all these.. oh e worst of all is tt i have such a mean mouth.. my comments come out as naturally as i take in oxygen. HOW?!?!?! i kno tt e ppl ard me kno tt i am such a person and i salute them for having put up with me for so long but i kno one of these days.. someone somewhere is gonna blow up and up and go. b4 tt happens.. i realli hope i can change for e better. i hate myself so much now.
so in less 2 months, i'll b officially starting to work. the panic attacks are building up slowly.. i can feel it. it'll b great to see the money coming in but.. issit gonna b enuff? with all the new responsibilities i have to take up, i'm so afraid i'll b leading the lifestyle tt i am now.. hand to mouth.. i realli hate it.. instability, insecurity.. i wish i cud jus get out of here and lead my own life but.. tt is realli selfish and chilidish and i dun think i'll b able to fight my conscience. and guess wat.. this is wat some ppl call growing up. i guess.. i realli have to grow up now.. omg i sound so ridiculous. i'm 23!!! T_T
