:: 害怕 ::
忘 我没有很努力要自己去遗忘
那些和日记一起收藏的过往
孤单在思绪之中觉得很漫长
想 我没有很刻意让自己不去想
那些和照片一起静止的模样
我学着坚强
坚强到不用学着不想 学着遗忘
还是害怕夜深人静时总想起你
还是害怕不经意地听见你的消息
然而爱已经沉淀得太清晰
当拥有已经是失去 就勇敢的放弃
还是会害怕一个人时就很难忘记
还是害怕突然宁愿当初没有决定
然而当爱最后的出口是分离
我会这么相信 走下去
:: i have been extended ::
my current employment contract has just been extended for 3 more months. :)
HAPPY CNY TO ALL!!!!!
:: let him go.. ::
i thot i nv haf to blog abt relationship woes again. guess i was wrong.
for e past few months, things been pretty rosy for me. until after e china trip.. i realised i haf kinda been living in denial. i love my bf too much. so much tt i psycho myself to believe the things i want to believe. now tt it is all becoming clear, i'm scared. it is not wat i imagined it to be like at all. i haf to do things tt i dun ever wan to. & i haf to b in a relationship tt is less than perfect to me. & still stay happy. how? everything is so unstable and shaky right now. a twig falling from a tree can break us. i realli hate wat i'm feeling now.
suddenly i'm turning the table ard, assessing things from his POV. he has been thru a lot for me. he has put up with a lot from me. he does not deserve to be treated the way he is. easy to say, but difficult to do. to change is almost impossible for me.
sad to say, i am highly inflexible when it comes to principles. i dun change my stand at all, if not easily. i dun like last minute arrangments, i dun like having to use contingency plans, i dun like unpleasant surprises (i think no one does). i haf alwaes had my own set of beliefs when it comes to relationships. i am also highly traditional when it comes to relationships. if i cud write it all down in a book, it wud b something like this:
1. No talking on the phone with other girls unrelated to work.
2. No joking / playing with other girls.
3. No one on one dinner / outings with other girls.
4. No sending of other girls on car / bike (not even colleagues).
5. No staying out later than 1am with groups of frens when there are girls ard.
6. No meeting with colleagues outside of office hours (i dun see the point in this, u see each other so much EVERY OTHER DAY!)
7. No unnecessary physical contact with other girls.
8. Always tell me where you gonna be for the day and with who.
9. I must be the 1st person you tell things to and you must always put me as 1st priority.
10. You must involve me as much as possible in all your activities and make sure I am comfortable.These are just 10 simple rules to name a few. (seriously, i could easily come up with 10 more) it may sound unbelieveable, but my bf has almost been able to fulfil all 10 rules above, as he knows tt it upsets me. So u can see, not only am i demanding, i can also be unreasonable. And when i was talking about changing just now, i meant this:
1. I must not get angry when he is laughing and joking with other girls.
2. I must allow him to have close female frens.
3. I must not get angry when he stays out late with colleagues boozing away.
4. I must accept the fact that I may not alwaes be his 1st priority.
5. I must be ok with the fact that he is Mr. Nice Guy and that he treats everyone nice, not just me.
6. I must join in all his activities whether i am comfortable or not and b happy when i'm there (meaning to consistently b smiling).
7. I must not get angry when he does not tell me where he is.
8. I must not get angry when he does not return my call.For my poor lil estranged brain, tt's all i can think of now. (but i am ready to die) from the 1st 10 rules down to these 8, it is not gg to be an easy feat. but i kno that these 8 golden rules might b wat is going to save this dying relationship. thing is, will i make it? from someone who can b unreasonable, tantrumable (i kno there is no such word) and sensitive over every single thing to understanding, forgiving and closing an eye to things i may not like to see and hear. I DUNNO. is this realli possible..??? i kno i am taking him for granted, but i am oredi used to it, and to change is jus so hard to do.
the worse part of all this, is tt, i feel tt he is oredi starting to get sick of me and everything. there can b no calls from him the whole day. & he's oredi starting not to tell me where he is and what he is doing. (i haf been controlling.. not to ask, not to get angry.. and jus learn to let him go.. )
now i kno, y when u love somebody, u haf to learn to let them go...
it is less painful tt way.
:: holiday. yeah. ::
i am leaving for china tmr.. i shud b very excited (well i was up till a few days ago) but i am not cuz.. i thot a bit too naively.. tt it wud b jus my bf & me on the tour.. but a few days ago, i went ktv with his colleagues then i realised.. i'm probably not gonna enjoy myself in china (cuz we r gg with his colleagues) as, apparently, it seems i jus can't get in sync of their "chemistry" no matter how i try. in fact i get a bit turned off by their behaviour.. i dunno wat issit tt makes me feel this way.. but i jus do.. it makes it worse tt my bf enjoys their company very much.. it makes me feel left out.. & like i alwaes say, it's not abt wat u do, it's abt who u're with.. so i can predict the china trip tmr lasting for 5 days.. is gonna turn out disastrous for me.. i'll probably jus b counting down to the days to come home.. how sad is tt.
china, here i come.
:: YANZI YANZI YANZI YANZI YANZI ::
unknowingly, i fulfilled one of my dreams.. (a small one, but enuff to make me happy).. i haf gone for all 3 of my super idoLs concert!!
in 2001, i went for MAYDAY's concert.. tt was a dream come true cuz i haf been mad abt them for e longest time & even when i went to TW in 2000, i didn't manage to c them.. i was so sad tt i bought up all the things i saw on MAYDAY in TW. haha. it made me very happee!
in 2003 i think, i went for Jay's concert. i wun say it was very high, but it made me real excited. cuz.. hello. it's jay! plus his music is so good, hearing them live jus gives me the tingles. :)
And finally, the best of all.. i went for YANZI's concert on 14 Jan 2006. absolutely crazy. out of the 3 concerts i went to, i am most passionate abt this one. 1st of all, this is our hommie! not only am i real proud of her, i wanna b her!!! and the fact tt her music is so endearing to listen to (and tt a lot of songs remind me of a lot of sweet memories) made the concert THE experience of my life.. & to see her.. man.. i cudn't feel my fingers..
Time to rank these 3 concerts for wat they r best for:
Most happening / high: MAYDAY
Most melodious / engaging: JAY
Most out-of-body experience / emotional: YANZIas you probably can see, i am a bit lost for words for this entry.. cuz gg to YANZI's concert was quite overwhelming for me.. a dream come true.. i realli can't think of the right words to explain except tt it realli means a lot to me..
a small secret tho, i am absolutely straight.. totally.. but the only person in the world tt can turn me gay.. is YANZI. i kno i kno.. a lot of u r gg like, "ew..." now.. but tt is the extent of my love for YANZI!!!! her charms work on me la, wat can i say.
there's someone i miss dearly.. thru-out the concert & up till now.. someone i haven't seen in years, someone i can nv get out of my mind, someone i constantly think abt whenever i am down.. someone.. jus wanna say i miss u. *hugs*
:: 2006 Wish List ::
who said wish lists can only be made during xmas..?? haha.. ok la, take it tt i am late, ok?? but..!! i have much on my wish list now!!! material & immaterial! (4get abt the new year resolutions, who keeps by them anywae??)
WISH LIST
1. MOTORAZR V3
2. Spunky office wear (read also: shoes, bags, earrings etc.)
3. Mani / Pedi! (i wan!!)
4. A really nice meal. (i have been deprived.)
5. a nice pair of everything-goes pumps. (the era of slippers & flipflops r over. but i am still in them!)
6. A trusty good watch (metal)
7. A trusty good watch (leather)
8. Bracelet (either plain white gold / 925 silver / diamond layed. no dingdongs pls, i like 'em plain & simple.)
9. A much needed getaway (it's coming my way, complete with snow!!! :D)
10. Public Holidays.. MORE!
11. CNY clothes.. i can't find them!!
12. More hugs & kisses & quality time. *blush*tt's abt all my lil brain can churn out for now. hmm.. actually i wan the immaterial wishes more than the material ones.. but hey.. if i cud get at least one of those on the list, i wud b a happy girl oredi. yes yes.. i am easily contented.. somtimes. cuz my bf wud beg to differ..! then again.. i doubt he ever comes in to read so.. lalalala lalalala ELMO song... kekeke.. (if i acted cute like tt, my bf wud faint!)
ok this post is gg nowhere. jus erm.. pretty random. u kno, mondays are alwaes a random minded day for many. me included. so dun blame me for being lame. remember, THIS IS MY BLOG! :p
tatas!!!!
:: Microsoft is right. We need to excel. ::
if anyone asks me wat industry wud i see myself in 5 yrs from now.. the answer least likely to pop up, or shud i say, entirely impossible, would be the IT idustry. 1stly, i have nv been an IT savvy person to begin with. i dun even kno wat a motherboard is ( and now tt i do, i kno tt the motherboard doesn't quite have anything to do with IT :p) so.. ya la, u get the drift.
somehow.. during my most desperate time to get a new job for the new yar.. i was offered a sales coordinator job with a IT MNC. may i add, at raffles place, UOB Plaza. tt is quite something, isn't it?? i was instantly drawn & went for an interview. had it not been the guy who interviewed me (who is now my boss), i dun think i wud have the courage to take up this job, which is totally un-me. mind u, it is a sales related job. which means one day, somehow or another, i wil have to dabble in sales too.. to make things worse, it is IT related. *...* i kno, i wonder how i am gonna survive. BUT. surprisingly, i am enjoying my work so far. it is now my 2nd week at work.. maybe it's too early to deduce but at least i am happier now than when i was 2 weeks into my last job!!! of cuz, the bulk of it is cus my boss is simply a fantastic mentor & a superb sales rep. he makes me think tt sales is definitely the way to go & i am honoured to be trained under the top sales rep in the org. honestly, i am real lucky. i didn't work for this job.. it came to me. & it looks like & will be a place for me to excel. am loving how tt is sounding...!! i think.. life is good.. now. :)
:: chin up, it's a new year. ::
on the contrary to the subject of my last post.. i am not quite overjoyed.
i dun think i wud haf ever imagined tt i'll b spending new year's eve alone. well at least now tt i am blogging up here.. i kno someone will read it.. & i am not exactly alone.
someone once told me, to b watchful & careful of wat u do on the strike of midnight on new year's eve. cuz tt'll predict a lot of wat u'll b doing/feeling for tt new year.. so in 3 min's time will b the strike of midnight.. i am currently feeling upset, alone & unloved. it sure is gg to b a sad year for me.
i think it is also this reason tt makes me wish i was spending it with my bf. but he dies not want to i can't force him i guess. maybe it's coming.. the time when u feel ur relationship will soon break up, been too long, too bored of each other maybe? i dunno.
so i had been unreasonable. but it's not like it's e 1st time. maybe i've been spoilt rotten by him. so now i must realise tt i mus stop being spoilt?
wateva his aim of being so mean to me, it's too much. all i wanted, was to see him. he clearly chose some other ppl over me. & i realli cannot get over tt. but at least now i kno for a fact. i am not as impt to him as he claims. i apologised yet he didn't say anything to acknowledge it. he insisted he wun b calling me tonight, much less see me. i mean, come on. of all nights. it's new year's eve. must we drag the quarrel into the new year? after all, i apologised so tt i cud see him today. but it didn't happen. jus like it didn't happen last night. maybe he knew tt it was wat i wanted, & he deliberately refused to let it happen.
seriously, i dun feel the love at all. i am sad & hurt & knowing this for a fact, he doesn't say/do anything to make me feel better. is he punishing me cuz i was wrong in the 1st place? i realli haven't felt so low in a long time. something tells me i can expect more of it.
happy new year, all.
