:: let him go.. ::
i thot i nv haf to blog abt relationship woes again. guess i was wrong.for e past few months, things been pretty rosy for me. until after e china trip.. i realised i haf kinda been living in denial. i love my bf too much. so much tt i psycho myself to believe the things i want to believe. now tt it is all becoming clear, i'm scared. it is not wat i imagined it to be like at all. i haf to do things tt i dun ever wan to. & i haf to b in a relationship tt is less than perfect to me. & still stay happy. how? everything is so unstable and shaky right now. a twig falling from a tree can break us. i realli hate wat i'm feeling now.
suddenly i'm turning the table ard, assessing things from his POV. he has been thru a lot for me. he has put up with a lot from me. he does not deserve to be treated the way he is. easy to say, but difficult to do. to change is almost impossible for me.
sad to say, i am highly inflexible when it comes to principles. i dun change my stand at all, if not easily. i dun like last minute arrangments, i dun like having to use contingency plans, i dun like unpleasant surprises (i think no one does). i haf alwaes had my own set of beliefs when it comes to relationships. i am also highly traditional when it comes to relationships. if i cud write it all down in a book, it wud b something like this:
1. No talking on the phone with other girls unrelated to work.
2. No joking / playing with other girls.
3. No one on one dinner / outings with other girls.
4. No sending of other girls on car / bike (not even colleagues).
5. No staying out later than 1am with groups of frens when there are girls ard.
6. No meeting with colleagues outside of office hours (i dun see the point in this, u see each other so much EVERY OTHER DAY!)
7. No unnecessary physical contact with other girls.
8. Always tell me where you gonna be for the day and with who.
9. I must be the 1st person you tell things to and you must always put me as 1st priority.
10. You must involve me as much as possible in all your activities and make sure I am comfortable.
These are just 10 simple rules to name a few. (seriously, i could easily come up with 10 more) it may sound unbelieveable, but my bf has almost been able to fulfil all 10 rules above, as he knows tt it upsets me. So u can see, not only am i demanding, i can also be unreasonable. And when i was talking about changing just now, i meant this:
1. I must not get angry when he is laughing and joking with other girls.
2. I must allow him to have close female frens.
3. I must not get angry when he stays out late with colleagues boozing away.
4. I must accept the fact that I may not alwaes be his 1st priority.
5. I must be ok with the fact that he is Mr. Nice Guy and that he treats everyone nice, not just me.
6. I must join in all his activities whether i am comfortable or not and b happy when i'm there (meaning to consistently b smiling).
7. I must not get angry when he does not tell me where he is.
8. I must not get angry when he does not return my call.
For my poor lil estranged brain, tt's all i can think of now. (but i am ready to die) from the 1st 10 rules down to these 8, it is not gg to be an easy feat. but i kno that these 8 golden rules might b wat is going to save this dying relationship. thing is, will i make it? from someone who can b unreasonable, tantrumable (i kno there is no such word) and sensitive over every single thing to understanding, forgiving and closing an eye to things i may not like to see and hear. I DUNNO. is this realli possible..??? i kno i am taking him for granted, but i am oredi used to it, and to change is jus so hard to do.
the worse part of all this, is tt, i feel tt he is oredi starting to get sick of me and everything. there can b no calls from him the whole day. & he's oredi starting not to tell me where he is and what he is doing. (i haf been controlling.. not to ask, not to get angry.. and jus learn to let him go.. )
now i kno, y when u love somebody, u haf to learn to let them go...
it is less painful tt way.
posted by Mrs. Lee @ 11:12 AM
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