:: too sensitive for my own good ::
i can't believe my IPP passed jus like tt. 11 weeks! *vroom!* i am now officially a staff of Banyan Tree, no longer under attachment! looking forward to payday wud b a better feeling now. :)
i think i'm too sensitive for my own good. but i can't help it if i am so receptive towards the things ard me.. rite? it's like a natural instinct to catch a child if u see him/her falling. i can't stop myself from feeling e things i do.
my bf thinks it's becuz i am too sensitive, tt's y "things" r happening. but in my POV, i think it's e other way around.. it's bcuz things r happening, tt's y i am so sensitive towards e issue.. in this case, his mother. i jus can't stop thinking tt one day he might choose his mother over me. even tho i haf no intentions to make him choose. it's jus e thot tt is scary & refuses to stop haunting me. & any small little thing tt triggers off this thot can realli make me go crazy. & i think it is also driving my bf crazy. he is sick & tired of me behaving this way & i kno it. but i dunno how to tell him tt i dun wan this either. i jus cannot help it. obviously i wud like to haf everyone living harmoniously tgt but from e way i see things, i think tt can only happen if i bear with the things tt i normally cannot tolerate. & i dun see how tt is gg to make me happy. especially since i dun get e assurance tt my husband will b on my side irregardless of any situation.
i still think it is bcuz of this insecurity tt's y i am being so sensitive. how cud it b tt i am being sensitive tt's y i m insecure? i am realli gg mad trying to figure this out. will it get better if i stop gg over to his plc?? if i dun see him & his mother so close tt they tell each other everything (unlike us)? if i dun try i dunno, so maybe i shud.
:: You're The One ::
lately when i look at my bf.. i feel something.. something i nv did when i looked at him in e past.. there is a sense of familiarity.. like we've known each other b4.. like we've spent a whole lifetime tgt b4.. like we knew each other from our past lives.. it's a freaky feeling but somehow it comforts me.. cuz it makes me feel safe, it makes me feel secure.. looking at him, i can see a future, i can see our kids, our house.. i see us.. i jus can't say wat this feeling is but e best way to put into words is tt it is the "you're-the-one" feeling.. i mean, i've alwaes known tt but i've jus nv realli felt it b4.. this feeling.. makes me wanna kiss him when i see him, hug him when i see him & jus b close to him when he is around.. & jus look at him, & look at him, & look at him... it feels like a transition of our relationship moving into a whole new level.. & i am witnessing it happen right b4 my eyes..
it's beautiful.. *smiles*
:: 23 October 2005 is da bomb! ::
the past weekend had been indescribible. (<- is there such a word?? haha!) i took abt 2 days to digest b4 i cud put them into words. & tt, is wat a call A BIRTHDAY BASH!
1st of all, my "scarlet" surprise totally pulled off!! i kno la everyone is saying, "wat?? who's e one celebrating birthday here?? how come the birthday girl is surprising her bf & not e other way ard??" haha.. but u kno wat, i love surprises, even planning one. & i love surprising my dear cuz i kno he likes it & when i see e smile on his face, it gives me much happiness. & i kinda realised one thing. if u wan to do something, u hafta do it. dun expect ppl to kno, or let others guess. i knew how i wanted to celebrate my bdae & i did exactly wat i wanted & not let others plan for me. i wanted to stay in The Scarlet & so i did!! i cudn't get a surprise on my end so i planned it! & i am a happy girl!
zouking tt night.. man.. was indeed fabulous! fantastic! FANTABULOUS! dun think i'll ever haf tt much fun again in e near future. my b was there, my girls were there, clubbing kakis were there, my sister was there with her bf & frens (family appearance always makes e whole occasion complete.) my b's frens had fun with my gfs.. wat more can i ask for. even tho most of us were half gone, almost all of us enjoyed ourselves. :D
unfortunately, there's only one of me to go ard.. there were some folks tt i invited & neglected, i'm realli sorry man. Oliver & gang were real nice to come hang out for a while (many cheers to ERIC ge!!!) sabri & gang also came altho i kno they were bored & all. thank god 3sa was there to b e clown. hahah. BUT i realli appreciate u guys coming!! Amy & folks were even nicer to haf actually turned up & bought me a nice gift even!! (i love u girls!) Best of all, MELISSA TAN YIZHEN came by herself! *smuacks!* babe, u totally rock! but am truly sorry i cudn't talk more than i shud haf. i wud haf split into many many pieces if i cud. :"( but sincerely, THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING... u all made it special & it wud not haf been e same w/o u! *hugs all!!!*
e highlight of my bdae this year.. was definitely at The Scarlet. (guys, pls dun haf any unpure thots ok) it kinda brought us closer cuz it was all warm & cozy in the room.. especially when we returned from zouk, b was hungry so we ordered room service & we got our delicious chicken congee.. both of us took our showers, sat in the big cozy & plush bed & sipped from one bowl of porridge after all tt drinking, dancing & shouting in zouk. it was truly a heartwarming & special moment for me. b.. i love u, u kno? :)
i can officially declare tt my bdae this yr has been e best in many many years. can't even rem when was e last time i actually enjoyed my bdae this much.
& maybe.. i do like being in the spotlight after all. :p
:: office politics is so understated ::
guess u'll nv kno who ur enemies/allies in the office are. SCARY.
so it is a rat race. one where all e rats are headed to crash. CRAZY isn't it? & i'm so green in this area tt maybe i'll die running even b4 i crash.
it's like one day i think she's nice to me, & e nex she stabs me right in my face. how WEIRD is tt? i mean, i didn't offend anyone intentionally. & if it was unintentional, can u blame me, realli??
but i alwaes believe if u keep doing e right things, u won't go wrong. as long as there's alwaes something or someone accountable for the things u do, u shud relatively b safe.
still, better keep ur eyes at ur back. cuz u'll nv kno.
:: THE Day! ::
i FINALLY bought my dress yday!!! O i am so happy & looking forward to sat!! I realli realli can't wait to check into The Scarlet!! & i can't wait to put on my beautiful dress!!! weeee!!!!! dun think i've been so excited abt my own bdae b4!! (i mean, hello.. u're turning a yr older?!) :P
& all of a sudden, today i'm having a gd feeling abt e party at zouk! maybe it wun turn out tt bad after all.. heh. but then again, i'll probably wake up tmr morning feeling a different thing altogether. haha. so ya, better to wait & see wat actually happens at e party!
so this is wat's gonna happen. i'm gonna trick my dear into gg to chinatown for lunch or something.. then suddenly check into The Scarlet & spend the afternoon there b4 we head to zouk at night! it's perfect, isn't it!! then after the party, dear & i will head back to The Scarlet & indulge in the pamperings of the lavishly decorated room & comfort of the heavily feathered bed!! *bliss!*
o saturday, y aren't u here yet?!?!
:: 23rd October 2005 ::
i am realli excited abt wat's gonna happen this sat!!! except tt i still haf not gotten my dress ready, & i dun haf e guest list.. yet. how bad can tt get rite.
well i am realli quite irritated with my bf for still not getting my topshop discount for me! i need e dress asap so tt i can send it for alteration & get it done by friday so i can wear on sat!! today's oredi tuesday. if i buy it after work today & bring it for alteration tomoro, tt leaves e tailor with 2 days to alter my dress. i REALLI hope she'll meet e deadline!!
as for my guest list, well i've called all e ppl i wanna call.. but none has realli given me e confirmation tt they r coming except for my soul sistas of cuz. so.. actually i'm realli afraid tt no one will turn up?! tt's gonna b realli scary la. hai.. wel i guess wateva e case, at least i still haf my babes with me. :)
it's ironic tho, cuz at e same time, i am also afraid of too many ppl turning up cuz then will they b expecting me to buy them drinks?? i certainly hope not. i've reserved a table so no matter wat i'll hafta to open a bottle & TT is enuff to kill my wallet. but.. i still wan my BIG party.. so how... :(
HOWEVER. i am still looking forward to sat cuz.. I GOT A ROOM THE SCARLET! OMG it is my absolute fave hotel in SG. it is a 5 star boutique hotel & it's decor is so lavish & grand it makes me feel like royalty!!!! i can't wait to spend the night there this sat!!
i kno it's a bit weird to b getting a room for myself on my bdae & surprising my bf with it rather than vice versa. but i figured my bf wud nv plan such things so i jus had to take it into my own matters to make it happen! besides, i alwaes liked planning surprises so i realli dun mind planning it for my bf on my bdae since it will also make him happy & if he's happy, i'm happy too! :p
i went to the The Scarlet to make advance payment yday & guess wat.. i actually saw a ex schmate working there!! So i asked for a free tour ard The Scarlet & it was simply beautiful. The lady who assisted with my booking was a really hospitable lady named Angel. Sure is one! Thanks so much for ur help!!!
ok. lastly, i really pray tt i will get tt discount for my dress today cuz i realli can't afford to spend more oredi.. T_T God help!
:: it's my party & i'll cry if i want to! ::
i haf a crazy idea. i want a big party! whereby every single person i kno will b there! with their friends, & friends of friends, & friends of friends of friends!
thing is.. big parties are intimidating. no doubt it will b fun but i'm jus afraid i wun b able to handle tt many ppl coming with gd wishes on my bdae. i want everyone to haf fun & not feel left out. but how do i do tt?
my mood swings like a insane pendulum & changes faster than a runway model. one minit i am thinking of holding a major party & e very nex i find myself opting for a quiet celebration.. even i can't stand myself sometimes.. how ar.. seriously dunno wat to do for my bdae this yr.. i wud love to club.. get all my frens to come.. but i dun realli fanci e idea of playing host. wonder wat illness is this tt i haf!
ideally, i wud love to spend it alone with my baby.. but there's alwaes sunday to do tt wat... moreover my guy nv realli believed in celebrating on the 12 o'clock mark. so it'll realli b a waste spending the eve of my bdae with him.
ok, conclusion, i will do both e party & the quiet moment with my baby! YEA!
:: Food For Thot ::
人生就是為了找尋愛的過程，每個人的人生都要找到四個人。
第一個是自己,
第二個是你最愛的人，
第三個是最愛你的人，
第四個是共度一生的人.
首先會遇到你最愛的人，然後體會到愛的感覺；
因為了解被愛的感覺，所以才能發現最愛你的人；
當你經歷過愛人與被愛，學會了愛，才會知道什麼是你需要的，
也才會找到最適合你，能夠相處一輩子的人。
但很悲哀的，在現實生活中，這三個人通常不是同一個人；
你最愛的，往往沒有選擇你；
最愛你的，往往不是你最愛的；
而最長久的，偏偏不是你最愛也不是最愛你的，
只是在最適合的時間出現的那個人。
你，會是別人生命中的第幾個人呢？
沒有人是故意要變心的，他愛你的時候是真的愛你，
可是他不愛你的時候也是真的不愛你了，
他愛你的時候沒有辦法假裝不愛你；
同樣的，他不愛你的時候也沒有辦法假裝愛你 。
當一個人不愛你要離開你，
你要問自己還愛不愛他，
如果你也不愛他了，千萬別為了可憐的自尊而不肯離開；
如果你還愛他，你應該會希望他過得幸福快樂，
希望他跟真正愛的人在一起，絕不會阻止，
你要是阻止他得到真正的幸福，就表示你已經不愛他了，
而如果你不愛他，你又有什麼資格指責他變心呢？
愛不是佔有，
你喜歡月亮，不可能把月亮拿下來放在臉盆裡，
但月亮的光芒仍可照進你的房間。
換句話說，你愛一個人，也可以用另一種方式擁有，
讓愛人成為生命裡的永恆回憶，
如果你真愛一個人，就要愛他原來的樣子─愛他的好，也愛他的壞：
愛他的優點，也愛他的缺點，
絕不能因為愛他，就希望他變成自己所希望的樣子，
萬一變不成就不愛他了。
真正愛一個人是無法說出原因的，
你只知道無論何時何地、心情好壞，你都希望這個人陪著你；
真正的感情是兩人能在最艱苦中相守，也就是沒有絲毫要求。
畢竟，感情必須付出，而不是只想獲得；
分開是一種必然的考驗，
如果你們感情不夠穩固，只好認輸，
真愛是不會變成怨恨的。
兩人在談情說愛的時候，
最喜歡叫對方發誓，許下承諾我們為什麼要對方發誓，
就是因為我們不相信對方，我們根本不相信情人，
而這些山盟海誓又很不切實際：
海枯石爛、地老天荒，都不能改變我對你的愛!
明知道海不會枯、石不會爛、地不會老、天不會荒；
就算會，也活不到那時候。
許下諾言的時候千萬注意，不要許下可以實現的諾言，
最好是承諾做不到的事，
反正做不到的，隨便說說也不要緊，
請記住：”不可能實現的諾言最動人”
在愛情裡，說的是一套，做的是另一套；
講的人不相信，聽的人也不相信。
你呢？找到了第幾個？
茫茫人海中，你遇見了誰？誰又遇見了你？
:: THE List ::
*Happy birthday, EDISON!*
something stupid bypassed my brain waves this morning when i was stoning on the bus to work. i haf a cutie representative from each country:
US - Josh Harnett baby
UK - Hugh Grant baby
HK - Edison Chen baby
JP - Kimura Takuya baby
KR - Won Bin baby
Yes they are all my babies dun u dare touch them!!! :p o i am obsessed with these cuties & if i meet any one of them personally any day, (mm.. oredi met one of them..) i will b a very happy lady. (so i guess i oredi am.. but it's not enuff, i wanna meet all of them!!! hahahah!)
notice there's no TW cutie on e list. cuz i can't settle for one. not one guy in TW has managed to keep my attention on him for long. Takeshi Kaneshiro counted?? :p
also there is no SG cutie.. hahha.. haven't u heard, the grass on the other side is alwaes greener. hohoho..
i shan't b sexist. i also haf female faves. altho they r limited:
US - Gwenyth Paltrow
(i simply love her, her style, her charisma, her class..)
TW - Matilda Tao
(i love her wits. her brain functions at the speed of sound!)
er.. tt's all for e female list.. cuz.. u kno, i've got higher standards for my own kind. :p
omg, this is e crappiest entry i haf ever typed. i probably wun look at it after i published it. hmm.. it's friday!!!
let's PARTEEHHH!!!!
:: i'll give in, not a prob! ::
all it takes is for 1 person to give in, & 2 persons will be happy. :D
my fingers finally sent out tt msg my pride refused to send. my bf replied with "me too.." & u'll b amazed at wat these 2 little words can do to me. we didn't quarrel, we "spoke" peacefully. it's e 1st for us actually. our past quarrels alwaes saw bloody xchange of words & attitudes. maybe cuz this is e 1st time we resolved over MSN. maybe we shud do tt in future, wateva works for us, rite? :p
i'm happy now, he's happy now, we're both happy now! :D
:: it's a mess ::
this is e 3rd day of cold war with my baby. starting to 4get y i got angry. i miss him. wonder if he misses me at all.
was reading some gossip on Yahoo! & read tt the newly weds Lachey & Simpson have broken up?? NO!! it mus b a rumour, it has to be. it certainly doesn't look like to me, they r quite a golden couple & oh-so-cute tgt. simply lovely to watch them on MTV's THe Newly Weds. Simpson has commented on a marriage tt "I think you have to always remember, and he has to remember, that you do need a compromise, even though it's hard. There's people with pride involved, you have to back down sometime -- just a little bit." tt is so true. after i read tt, i picked up my hp & wanted to sms my baby. but something stopped me. i can't say wat, but i jus didn't realli want to msg him. i can't find e words to say.. even if i did, it felt like it was too late. i ignored his calls for 3 days, i didn't reply his smses for 3 days, i haven't heard his voice in 3 days much less seen him. i dunno how to explain my own actions. silly stubborn stupid me. alwaes letting my pride get in the way. how do i clear the mess now?? how??
:: issit worth it? ::
i can't even remember how many times i haf repeatedly asked my bf to let me kno where he goes. i used to get realli realli angry abt him not telling me. nowadays, it's down to jus e "i'm in office" & "i'm home" msgs. i guess tt's enuff & i can't b asking him to tell me every single plc he goes since he's in e sales line. but lately it's down to jus e "i'm home" msgs. one msg a day from him & no phonecalls at all does not sound right to me. my frens & their bfs call each other hundreds of times everyday. jus to see how they're doing. why does mine hafta b different?
yday noon during lunch, i called him & wanted to ask if he was still sleeping cuz he had not replied my msg in the morning. but i called only to find tt he was oredi up & about & he did not tell me he had gone to upper serangoon to check out e studio with joel. so i asked like a kitten, "how come u nv tell me one.." he replied, "u nv ask me to tell u wat, u go office also nv tell me." tt's it man. tt was e most irresponsible thing he has ever said to me. u mean to say i hafta tell u exactly wat u hafta to do in this relationship?? like i hafta list within how many rings he must answer my call, wat kind of msgs he is allowed to send me & wat is not, or where he goes he must tell me & where he need not? RIDICULOUS! tt was simply a lame excuse. worst of all, i hate it when he uses e "cuz u nv so i also nv" theory. if this relationship is gg to work this way, i dunno how long it's gonna last. if no one ever takes e initiative to do something, then no one will ever follow. in e 1st plc, right from e first day i knew him, he was nv e kind who wanted to kno where i went/wat i did. i was e one who alwaes insisted he told me where he went/wat he is doing. so then shud i b so thick-skinned to tell him every single thing i do when he has not asked to b told/kicked a fuss abt? he has nv instilled in this relationship tt he wants to kno my itsy-bitsy daily details, unlike me. i haf told him over & over. I WANT TO KNO. so how come he is now saying i dun tell him when i reach e office every morning?!?! & tt that is e reason y he didn't tell me where he went tt morning?? it is totally irresponsible of him to say tt. utterly disappointing.
when he called me at night, he had no clue tt i had been angry abt this. how sensitive eh. & when he did, he scolded me saying i was GL cuz i didn't tell him why i was angry. he said tt i was getting a kick out of making him unhappy. tt realli put a knife thru me.
something so simple, tt cud b easily resolved.. has got into such a mess now. i dun even kno wat to tell him. he cud haf simply told me to msg him every morning when i reached office. all i wanted was to kno when he gets to e office & whether he got home safely. i dun think tt is too much to ask.
i was angry, but now i'm jus upset. is this realli worth it?
:: Project Save-Ah-Poh ::
my butt is aching from the bowling session on sunday. wonder why it makes the butt muscles ache??? mus b e silly posture we all do when we throw out e bowling ball. & ya, i kno i dun exercise much tt's y i get aches all over from small workouts! but at least i look like i'm fit. wahaha..
this weekend i'll b executing my great matchmake plan: Project Save-Ah-Poh!!!! *muahaha...* ah sa & ah poh! sounds like a gd match oredi. wahaha.. well like i said b4, it's gonna take a lot of a guy to b with ah sa.. cuz.. she's quite a needy gf.. &.. i think ah poh is nice enuff. hahah. but i am worried with e way ah sa carries herself.. she's too rough & sometimes uncouth.. &.. she's had much experience. i dunno if it's gonna bother ah poh.. i certainly hope not. after all it's jus a number, rite? :D
well wateva it is, i jus hope everyone will haf a gd time this sunday. cheerios!
:: i am not a latecomer! ::
i haf been late to work for past 3 consecutive working days.. & 2 out of e 3 my boss knew i was late... so naturally today e 1st thing he asked me was "wat time did u come to work today?" man.. i felt so demoralized at tt question.. like i'm oredi being blacklisted.. & tt question served as a warning to me.. but e 3 days tt i was late was not even bcuz i woke up late or anything.. & tt makes me madder.
Late Day 1:
my bf was supposed to send me to work.. so i woke up, got ready, woke him.. but he told me not to go work since i wasn't feeling well e night b4.. but i felt well enuff for work so i insisted to go.. but he didn't budge one inch. so i left for work on my own.. had to take 2 buses from his place & e darn buses took almost 2 hours to get me to work!! so i ended up half an hour late.
Late Day 2:
my bf sent me to work on this day.. we woke up bright & early, even had a nice breakfast b4 we set off.. then jus as we were abt to go, my bf suddenly recalled tt he had left an impt document in e office. we were in e east & his office was in e east & my office was in the west. his appointment with his client was also in e west. so e plan was tt we go to his office, take his document, go to my office & him to his appointment. i was supposed to b at work 8.30. 8.10, he was still sipping his coffee & smoking his ciggie. so i estimated i'll b half an hour late (again). so i msged my colleague to say i'll b in at 9. so after he finished his coffee & ciggie, it was abt 8.20. he rode to his office, went up to get documents, came bac down, 8.40. we rode to my office in e west.. when we reached, it was 9.15. i was 45 min late!!! he was so nonchalant abt it, it realli realli irritated me. i jumped off e bike & threw e helmet bac at him & went off. upstairs, my boss had been calling & calling for me from KL. by e fourth phone call, i finally answered & he told me if i was gg to b late, i had to tell somebody. i answered tt i did.. *click* tt's it. boss was unhappy.
Late Day 3:
woke up bright & early again.. had breakfast at home this time.. 7.55am i told him i was gg downstairs to wait for him. i went down, waited & waited, he came down at almost 8.10. 15 min. wat e f*** was he doin upstairs for 15 min. was oredi irritated cuz i knew i cudn't get to work early today. only hoped i wun b late. 8.20, he rode into a petrol station to get fuel. *argh!!!* he was supposed to haf done this last nite!! wat was he doing??? drinking & watching soccer then 2 bed!!! *arghhhh..!!!* after we were done, it was almost 8.30. reached office at 8.40 tt day. boss knew, again.
i haf alwaes been a punctual person & someone who realli takes note of e time. i cannot stand when i am being forced to b late & misunderstood by others tt i am e one who is late. wat more this is not a country club, this is WORK! u r judged by ur punctuality amongst many other things.. but this is one of e most impt things to me personally. i feel so so so maligned & extremely angry!!!
