:: the stormy, rainy season ::
i dunno if it is becuz i am a libran, i expect a lot of balance in my life. fairness. lately (as u may haf read), my bf has been so engrossed in world cup, he hardly has any time left for me given the sales nature of his job. and as i am spending more and more time by myself, i am starting to realize how much i cannot stand him being away from me. (yes tt wud mean i am clingy) and to me.. tt is not healthy. and also, i nv used to b like this.when i was single, i was the most independent person ever. i nv needed anyone to acc me for shopping or anything, i was alwaes ok by myself. in fact i cherish my own quality time as it is considered a kind of self exloration time, which i alwaes seemed to need and enjoy in the past.
now, i almost want to spend ALL my time with him, and do everything with him. and when it doesn't happen, i get realli realli upset. worse if he chooses some other activity outside of work over accompanying me. i wud go mad. believe it or not, I DON'T WANNA B LIKE THAT! but everytime i am with him, i become this evil, resentful person that hates all the people who occupies his time and attention. and i haf totally no control over wat i do and say when i am this person, i wud like to call my evil twin (ET). and becuz of ET, we haf been having endless quarrels that go on and on and nv cease. and the real me is so tired of it all. but the ET jus wun let go. i realli dunno wat to do.
i am spending more time than i ever haf been at my own home.. and i felt this peace i haven't been having for the longest time. i feel like gg away on my own, spending lazy evenings after work at a cafe in town and jus people watch.. smiling at all who walks past me.. but every time he comes into my mind, the smile on my face disappears.. and i realli hate tt feeling.
needless to say, i haf rummaged thru my mind to think of the reasons tt caused this. haf i been too demanding? haf i spent too much unnecessarily time at his plc? are there to many ppl involved in our r'ship and we're allowing them to affect us? are we not getting enuff quality time tgt? or is this simply wat happens when 2 persons stay tgt for too long? then wat is gg to happen after marriage?
someone told me this, "2 persons shud not 'pak tor' for too long, there will come a time when it is appropriate for the r'ship to go into marriage. and when the time is missed, things start to go hay wire cuz the r'ship becomes stagnant as there is no more room for further development."
if u ask me honestly, i think we missed our time more than once. each time caused by a different factor. not too long ago, we felt we were still too unstable to talk abt marriage. then not too long ago, we felt we were still too young. and most recently, we were too financially burdened to talk abt marriage. so the plan jus keeps stalling but the problems keep coming.
to me, the "problems" are alwaes recurring ones. and i am the one tt is irritated with them mostly. am i the one magnifying the problems? but if they realli bug me, how can i pretend it doesn't?
there are so many questions and uncertainties going on in my mind right now. so much tt i can't even take advice from anyone, cuz it will only confuse me further. and so taxing tt i can't talk abt it, lest i break down and not find a way out.
i hope this jus a passing phase.. and tt it will go away soon..
posted by Mrs. Lee @ 11:49 AM
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